Sunday, December 22, 2013

Bed Rest and Blood Tests: The Results are in!

Bed rest was relaxing for all of 4 hours. It was nice to lay there and check my Facebook, email, and watch TV, but after that first 4 hours it got old. My back started to hurt from laying down, and I started having some cramping on Friday, 2 days after the transfer. I took all of this to be good signs, that my uterus was cramping because of the changes it was making into a placenta and a tiny growing surro baby! I had the same crampy feeling with my own children, so I have become pretty good at recognizing what my body was doing.

The Dr said on a piece of paper that he gave me after the transfer that I should NOT take an at home pregnancy test... well...we all know how well I listen to instructions like THAT.. Come ON!! Of course I took a test..or two...or 20. Well on Day 8 I got a positive!!!!! I literally jumped up and down with excitement in my bathroom at 7am...silent celebrating bc my children were still asleep. Then I dropped to my knees in praise. Somewhat of a "Please let that line continue to get darker" prayer. I took a test the next morning and low and behold it was even darker!! Then on day 10 after transfer it was dark enough that I felt comfortable telling my IPs. So I sent a test to IF asking him to call me with IM when they woke up. (It was 3am their time when I sent the message.) At about 6pm they called me. :) They asked how I was and I told them I was fine they said I was on speaker phone. I told them I got a faint positive line that morning and I was hopeful for good news after the blood test. They first said "...wow...wow." and then IM started laughing. I could feel the joy and rekindled hope from over the phone, and I started to tear up. They thanked me for calling them, and when we got off the phone IF sent me a text message again thanking me and saying how in shock they were. I sent them a picture of the pregnancy test, and got ready for some good news at the blood test.

This morning was the blood test. I got dressed and even wore my Batik scarf that my IPs gave me for good luck. I drove down 680 with the biggest smile on my face because I already knew.. I woke up feeling sick, and my tummy was already portruding a little. It happens quickly with me. I show right away, even if the only thing showing is my swollen uterus, and not bc they baby has pushed it out yet. The blood test was quick...and at 11:45am I got a call saying I was officially PREGNANT!!!! I was over the moon, and I go back in on Tuesday morning so they can make sure my numbers continue to go up, and to check the estrogen and progesterone levels to see if my meds need adjusting.

I texted my IPs , and sometime soon they will read it and see that I am for sure pregnant! Merry Christmas to my IPs and to their family. I am overjoyed, and ready to relax and get this baby to grow grow grow!

Ultrasound for the heartbeat is on Jan 6th.. I can't wait.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Transfer

The day before my transfer felt more like Christmas Eve than the day before a medical procedure. I spent all day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I even scrubbed my baseboards people... I had to keep busy to pass the time otherwise I would feel too excited. I settled into bed around 12:30, after my daily progesterone shot courtesy of my husband. Emma woke up at 3:40am, and Jason and I took turns trying to help her go back to sleep. I attempted to give her Tylenol around 4am and that triggered her vomiting all over her crib, then me, then the floor. I sat in the bath with her and washed her off while Jason changed sheets and scrubbed the floor clean. It all seemed so poetic to me. This very thing was the reason I wanted to become a surrogate. I had said "On nights where my children are up crying and fussy, or vomiting all over me and themselves, I remember that there are couples in the world who long to be up all night with a child of their own. I want to give those parents sleepless nights as odd as that sounds. I want them to enjoy the moments of parenthood that I experience." And there I was at 4am on the eve of my transfer, covered in vomit and sitting in a tub with my half awake screaming 11 month old. I actually laughed out loud and smiled to myself.
  
 She finally drifted off to sleep around 4:30 or so and still woke up at 7:30am on the dot. That kid is like clockwork. I quickly got up, got dressed while my husband took Emma and Hunter into the play room to watch TV and started my makeup. IF and his father arrived at my house to pick me up and take me to the transfer at 8am. I was only half done with my makeup (hey...if I was going to be stuck in bed all day I wanted to make sure I looked presentable at least.) IF and IM were so sweet and bought gifts for my children and for Jason and I. Hunter got a little set of dinosaurs that he honestly has played with all day, and Emma got a little push popping toy. They were so sweet and gave Jason and I a set of very fine teas. I absolutely love tea so their gift made me so excited!

We got on the road, and IF, his father and I enjoyed the scenery and excitement as we traveled to my appointment. When I checked in, they didn't need blood work and I was called back to a surgical suite fairly quickly. I was prepped, and the nurse checked my bladder via ultrasound to be sure that they could see for the embryo insertion. I was good to go! The Dr brought back IF after a few minutes and IF sat near my head and filmed the transfer of the embryo for me. I wanted to send it to IM so that she could see the transfer even if she wasn't able to be there. Here is that video...


The whole process was entirely pain free. I literally felt no discomfort whatsoever. It was incredibly fascinating to me to think "I'm not pregnant" one moment and then "I could be pregnant right now" the next. Seeing the embryo actually in my uterus gave this pregnancy a different kind of magic. Usually I am used to understanding a very basic concept of conception and how it works. I knew that with my own children, I had sexual intercourse with my husband and 2 weeks later there was a double pink line on a home pregnancy test. This pregnancy will begin with me knowing the exact second IF and IM's embryo was implanted and that is a whole different kind of amazing magic I like to call "Science at the hand of God and his workers." Amazing amazing amazing moment. After the Dr left the room so that I could sit for 5 minutes, they had checked the catheter under a microscope to be sure the embryo was in, I felt emotional. (Big surprise.) The reality of the years of wanting to be a surrogate for a couple, meeting and feeling so strongly for IF and IM and their drive and journey to become parents, and then actually having their embryo inside my belly where it can grow and become a tiny baby brought tears to my eyes. Poor IF... I didn't even unleash my real waterworks around him but I was teary at the magnitude of that moment. Imagine how blubbery I will be at the birth when I see them as parents!!! Oh boy...

I am now sitting on the couch, typing this while lying on my back (its quite entertaining to see..) My dear friend Nicole who is actually more like an Angel has been here helping do everything with the kids since Jason left for work, and we are currently both enjoying over sized jamba juices. I am soooo excited to test for pregnancy... I definitely have 5 tests....I will use all of them.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

We're a go for transfer!!!!

FINALLY!! We are scheduled for a transfer!!! I am so excited I could burst... here is how today went.

I left the house at 8:30am to head to San Ramon and didn't get there until 9:30 exactly because of a huge traffic jam on the way there. Nicole came over (again...I swear the woman is an angel) to watch the kids while Jason went to school to take his final. I was nervous again.. my last reading at my ultrasound was 7.22, and needed to be at least an 8. My estrogen was doubled, but I was still worried that IF came all the way out here for nothing only to be told that we would have to wait another week or so. I rushed into the lobby of the clinic and gave IF a quick hug hello and met his father who was so kind, and grabbed my clipboard to head to the lab. The blood draw was quick and painless. The nurse who always takes my blood was so good I didn't even feel the needle go in. Can she do my progesterone shots please?? Then I headed back to the lobby and (this was so embarrassing) I got so engrosed in conversation with IF and his dad, that I forgot to turn my clipboard in to the nurse at the front desk so we were just sitting there...waiting...for my name that wouldnt be called bc i was holding it in my hand. (Forehead smack) UGh!! Silly me.

The nurse called me right away after I handed in my paperwork (of course), and then I went into the room to situate myself on the table with the cloth over me before the nurse let IF in the room. I've decided that there is no flattering way to sit on a medical table with your legs up in stirrups. There just isn't. IF sat up near my head and was very kind to check to make sure I was still comfortable with him being in the room for my ultrasound.  I was. The nurse took my measurements and we were all so excited to see that I was measuring at 9!! A different angle showed 10, so she averaged out my number to 9.5!! I was so relieved! My transfer date is set to Dec 11th. I start my anti biotics on the 7th, progesterone shots on the 8th, and then they call me on the 9th with a time for my transfer. I will be on bed rest Dec 11th and 12th, and light rest the 13th. I am more excited for this transfer...than I am for Christmas!!! Another Surro-mom said this the other day, and it's just so true!! IM texted me today saying she wished she could be with me today as well. I feel so terrible for her.. I wish she could be here for all of this as well but her health is so much more important, and I will be sharing absolutely everything with her. :)

After the appointment IF and his father took me out to brunch and we really enjoyed fun conversation about Germany, and my kids, and IF's father showed me pictures of IF as a child. So cute!! I just know IF and IM will have a gorgeous baby, they both look like they could be models. IF and IM gave me a beautiful Batik scarf today as well and I was so touched... I wore it tonight to choir practice. It is just so beautiful.

Thats all for now folks... I will update again after the shots...

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Not quite ready...

So I had my Dr's apt. on the 29th  where they took my blood and did a vaginal ultrasound to measure the lining of my uterus. My lining was at a 7.22 which they said was not thick enough yet, so my Estradiol has been doubled (yay) and I go in for another appointment on the 5th for more blood work and another ultrasound. IF is in the US now and ready to come up for my transfer whenever the Dr. gives us the OK.

I'm really anxious.. I want everything to go perfectly for IF and IM, and for the Dr to say at my next appointment that all is ready to go! By the way, the first few days on Estradiol kicked my butt, and I am back in the crappy phase again as I adjust to a double dosage. I now take 6 pills of Estradiol a day. 2 at a time. It feels like I have the flu, but without the muscle aches.. oh and really moody. My grandma tried to tell me that there was a new young lady at church today and I snapped back with "uhm...ok." instead of realizing that she was trying to show me so I could make a friend. (forehead smack) ughhh.. sorry Grandma. The non hormonal me in the back of my mind gasped and recoiled at my rude response, but the surface me just half smiled and walked away.

I just hope I get some good news on the 5th when I go back in for this next ultrasound. Staying positive and thinking good thoughts!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Estradiol...its a love/hate kinda thing.

So I have been on Estradiol for about 8 days now, and man has it been a ride. I take Estradiol via oral pill 3 times daily. I had a feeling I would get some of the symptoms, but I had no idea how much I would be affected by it.

Highly Emotional: I cry at the weirdest things. The other day I cried while watching The Brave Little Toaster...uhhh hello..weirdest movie ever and there I was sobbing. Then I had a full on ugly cry break down at Choir practice last Thursday when we sang this song... Just read it and listen to the video below and TRY not to bawl...

 "The hands that first held Mary's child,Were hard from working wood. From boards they sawed and nailed and filed And splinters they withstood .
This day they gripped no tool of steel. They drove no iron nail, But cradled from the head to heel
Our Lord, newborn and frail. When Joseph marvelled at the size of that small breathing frame, And gazed upon those bright new eyes and spoke the infant's name.
The angel's voice he once had dreamed poured out from heaven's height, And like the host of stars that gleamed Blessed earth with welcome light.
This Child will be Emmanuel, Not God upon a throne But God-with-us, Emmanuel As close as blood and bone. The tiny form in Joseph's palms Confirmed what he had heard And from his heart rose hymns and psalms For heaven's human Word.
 The tools that Joseph laid aside a mob would later lift and use with anger, fear and pride to crucify God's gift. Let us, O Lord, not only hold The Child who's born today But charged with faith, may we behold to follow in His way."

The choir finished practicing the song, and I reached to grab the tissues that poor Caity beside me in the soprano section was handing me. My aunt the choir director quickly explained that the reason i was uncontrollably sobbing was because of the medication I was taking to prepare for pregnancy, and I in between sobs apologized to everyone. It was like i was watching myself cry thinking "Omg Corinne you can stop any time now.." but the tears just kept coming.

Abdominal Pain/Cramping: This is not something I was expecting. I'm experiencing a lot of abdominal pain, as if I were going to start my period. Its the same kind of cramping I feel at the first few months of pregnancy, not painful enough to make me feel like I'm going to start a period, but enough that I can tell something is changing in there. I think it's just the lining of my uterus getting nice and thick for my Nov 29th ultrasound!! I'm telling myself that anyways.

Weight Gain: My abdominal area is bloated. I look pregnant. I guess this happens a lot with this medication, weight gain in the abdominal area. Well.....it was going to happen anyways right?

Nausea: The first few days on this pill were rough. If I dont eat something when I take this pill I get really sick to my stomach. The other day I took it on an empty stomach and started to feed my daughter her breakfast. I suddenly realized that if I didnt get something into my stomach asap I was going to vomit. I said very calmly to my husband... "Please pour me a bowl of anything so I can eat within the next 3 seconds or I will throw up." He rushed around the kitchen and I shoveled Life cereal crumbs and milk into my mouth...thank god.

Oh...did I mention the constant crying? I think my family has a game going to see who can make Corinne cry the hardest. My birthday was yesterday and my Grandma Pat surprised me with a Dragon quilted wall hanging that she had made for a church silent auction that I wanted, but was sold to some woman I had never heard of.. (little did I know that Chery Woo did not exist!!) I pulled it out and said "This is the hanging that I wanted for Hunter's room!!" and started crying.... THEN I opened a gift from my aunt and pulled out matching mother daughter aprons from the same auction that I had wanted as well. TEARS people....tears.



Then I came home to find the most gorgeous Orchid plant on my doorstep that my IPs (Intended Parents) sent me for my birthday!!!!! I cried again.

I LOVE that these medications are what is helping me to become a surrogate for my IPs.. I'm not complaining at all. It's just so interesting to me what hormones and medication do to the human body and how my own body is experiencing it. Can't wait until this Friday when I have my ultrasound that confirms a Dec. 4th transfer!! :)

Monday, November 18, 2013

A transfer date!!!

Its officially happening!! I have a tentative transfer date of December 4th. My period started yesterday and I started my medication today. Estradiol that I take 3 times daily, baby asprin once a day, prenatal vitimins and then I have some ultrasounds and blood work done. On Nov 29th they do a final check to measure my uterine lining. When they see that it's nice and thick (bc it will be, I am thinking nicely lined thoughts) they will officially schedule my transfer for the 4th of December!! The 29th of Nov will begin my Progesterone Oil shots in my hip every day until I am 12 weeks pregnant, and also a progesterone gel caplet that is taken vaginally every day. (Weird I know.. but hey...it's the medical facts and I TOLD you I was going to be blunt didn't I?)

My IF is coming out for the transfer and I am so excited to see him! IM can't come out because she is still recovering from some medical complications and can't fly just yet. Indonesia is a looooong couple of flights away. I plan on skyping the appointment though so she can be a part of it. If not, I will record the ultrasound where we can see them insert the embryo! Either way I want to be sure she is 100% included and so she can see her little baby from day 1!!

In the words of Linguini from Rattatouie "Lets do this thing!!"


Sunday, November 10, 2013

SAI Surrogate Retreat in LA...

This weekend was the SAI surrogate's retreat in Los Angeles. The retreat is paid for by the intended parents and is truly a gift for the surrogate mothers of SAI to get time to bond with each other, and talk about our experiences while enjoying a nice holiday without our kids. My flight left on Friday afternoon at 1pm. The flight was a little bumpy coming in to LAX airport, but other than that the flight was smooth and I had a lovely conversation with a woman on her way to visit her son at UCLA. I always cherish the conversations I have with people on airplanes. Its my belief that every flight I take, God puts me beside someone who could either benefit from knowing me, or who I could benefit from knowing, that our souls would enjoy the brief meeting and then continue on our way. The mother of the UCLA student gave me pause to think about my children in the season of life that they are in now, and to appreciate how quickly it goes by. When I landed I checked my phone because I was supposed to meet up with another surrogate mother named Daisy who was also flying into LAX, where we would then carpool together to the Hilton hotel in Universal City. My phone lit up with a text from her saying that she had missed her flight, and I reassured her that I would be fine, and to not worry. I grabbed a cab and told Maximo the grandfather from Mexico City, that I needed to go to Universal City..to the Hilton hotel. He smiled and pushed up her very large rimmed glasses and said "Ok you have credit card?" I said "Yes I do." He said "Is it good??" and then followed that with a hearty laugh,popped the trunk to load my suitcase and camera bag.

I had forgotten just how much I hated LA traffic...the ride along the 405 freeway swiftly reminded me. Not only did cars sit stopped along the freeway, but motorcycles weaved in and out of traffic, and blinkers served more as warnings to the other cars to speed up and close the gap rather than as means to let you over. When I arrived at the Hilton in Universal City, it's safe to say that I felt nothing short of Royalty. The bell man opened my taxi door, and lifted me gently from the vehicle by my hand. There was a long red carpet from the car door to the glass automatic doors of the hotel, and upon entry I was greeted by one of the largest chandeliers I have ever seen. The woman at the front desk welcomed me very kindly and gave me my room key. I would be in room 1556 on the 15th floor. As I stood in the elevator with my bags, watching the lights on each floor slowly go up, I noticed that there was no 13th floor in the hotel. The lights jumped directly from 12-14. My roommate had not yet arrived, and I took the time alone in the room to remove my boots, and sprawl possessively across my bed. The comforter was heavy and made from down feathers, and I let myself nestle into the covers. I missed my kids, but I was excited for the weekend to start. My roommate Antoinette arrived shortly after, and we hit it off instantly. Our personalities seemed to mesh nicely and we gathered our White elephant gifts for the gift exchange that night and headed to the ball room where our dinner was to be. Some of the girls had already arrived and I greeted Monica and Bernadette with hugs. It was so great to meet the SAI team in person. We had spoken on the phone and through email often, but there's something about seeing someone eye to eye that just makes that relationship real. Monica and Bernadette are so nice, and Bernadette's laugh was contagious. You couldn't help smiling as she laughed, even if you weren't in on the conversation. I helped myself to a plate of watermelon turkey, the most amazing mashed potatoes, and some grilled veggies. Afterwards we exhanged white elephant gifts and I ended up with a White elephant scarf and a gift card to TJ Max. Score!!








This is all my loot I got from the night! We got a goody bag that had the softest blanket, a home made candle, socks, a necklace, soap etc. It was lovely. The night was so much fun. On Saturday we woke up for breakfast at 8am, and headed to Warner Brothers Studios at 9am, where I was able to see the original costumes from Harry Potter, as well as the Friends set!! I even got to sit on the COUCH!!! It was a dream come true. We ate lunch at Bubba Gump's Shrimp and enjoyed a stroll looking at the shops at Universal Studios. I got the kids some little stuffed animals, and then headed back to the hotel with Antoinette where I took some maternity photos of her. At 7pm we met at the Hard Rock Cafe and enjoyed a meal together, and shouted our conversations above Aerosmith and Alkaline Trio.



I think my favorite part of this retreat was the individual time I got to spend with each woman, to hear her story. Sometimes her previous or surrogate experience sounded like a nightmare with IPs going back on their agreements, or never sending any updates on how their baby was doing, and sometimes the surrogacy story was just as she hoped, with healthy and happy babies and friendships that either stay or fade exactly as the surrogate hoped. I thought about my own IPs this weekend frequently, and about how lucky I was to have such a good relationship with them. We communicate often and are always very open about things. Seeing all of the beautiful bellies made me emotional and so excited for my own transfer hopefully at the end of this month.

I can only describe the bond I felt to the surrogate ladies as similar to what I felt surrounded by other Marine Wives during a deployment in that no one had to explain what they felt, or why they felt it...bc we all understood. We all knew. We were all on the same roller coaster. I didn't realize how much I craved the support and the community of women in surrogacy until this weekend. I made some friendships I have a feeling will be lasting, and now have a whole slew of women who are here to support me as I continue on this journey of surrogacy.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Holy medication Bat-man!!

I got my box of medications today! My chart on my phone says my period is due to begin in 6 days, but the cramps I feel right now might mean it's sooner than that. I knew there would be a lot of medicines in the box arriving today, I knew there would be needles, and lots of pills, but Holy Moses!
All of this is to essentially manufacture my body's naturaly produced hormones, so that the Dr's can be aware of exactly how much of each hormone is given to maximize the chances of pregnancy at the IVF transfer. I have Estrogen that I will begin taking when my period starts, and progesterone in pill form, also Progesterone oil for the injections that begin a few days before my transfer and continue into the beginning of the pregnancy. I have anti-biotics that I will take after the transfer to prevent any unforseen infection...and the needle, which APPARENTLY needs to be stuck ALL the way into my muscle above my bottom. HOLY OW!!! Its all good.. I hate needles but it's worth it. Maybe I'll take a picture of my face while my husband sticks me. Just call me Corinne-pin-cushion! Here's the needle....

And her is a picture of my son who wanted to be a part of all of the picture taking I was doing..


Now that I have all of the medication I need, the only thing left to do before it all starts is wait for my period. 

I leave tomorrow morning for Los Angeles CA to be a part of SAI's retreat in Universal City! I'm so excited to sit down and chat with other surrogate mothers and to hear from them about their own experiences. It will be a weekend for the soul. I am just filled with joy about this whole process. :) I will update all of you after my weekend with plenty of pictures and memories made. 

 
 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

"Preparing the canvas"

My mother is an artist. She has painted on China, in Watercolor, drawn in pencil, in charcoal, and pastels. These are some of my favorite art pieces that she created, and that I own.


As a child, I grew up with her at home (which was a blessing) and she taught China Painting at our house in her art room through the City of Sunnyvale. I was raised with Children's books on Monet, and Renoir. I could look at a painting and say "That's Salvador Dahli." and could describe the technique with which Vincent Van Gough used for his paintings. There were certain phrases that as I child I heard often. "Preparing the canvas" was one of them. My mom was not a huge oil painter, her medium of choice moved with her interests. She enjoyed painting in Watercolor as I journeyed into my early teens. She spent a lot of time "preparing" various canvases, and this morning as I swallowed my Pre-natal vitamin in preparation for becoming pregnant I was reminded of that phrase.

I am, in a way, preparing the canvas for pregnancy. Now I don't mean to infer that as a Pregnant woman I will see myself as some sort of work of Art...that seems rather vain. I intend the phrase to be interpreted as my body will host something beautiful and must be cared for in preparation for that beauty to be at it's best. The beauty being a baby. I have upped my daily glasses of water to hydrate myself better, taking a prenatal vitamin and  have been eating healthier. Not much I can do about the amount of sleep I'm getting with a teething 10 month old, but I think I'll survive.

Next on my surrogacy schedule is wait for my next period. Once my period starts I call the Fertility Clinic and receive all of my medication and instructions. In the mean time, I am continuing to prepare my canvas for pregnancy. I am also very excited to attend the Retreat in Los Angeles coming up. :) It will be fun to meet all the other surrogate mothers and hear from them about their experiences so far.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Here we go!! :)

You know that moment when you're on a roller coaster, all strapped in, and the car slowly tick tick ticks it's way up to the top of the very tall hill? The anticipation as you get higher and higher builds as the car finally levels at the top, almost seeming to stop, before gravity and momentum pulls the car forward and you begin the journey on the rest of the roller coaster.

I am at the top of the hill you guys, about to begin my incredible, fun, and whirlwind of a journey in this surrogacy roller coaster.. I have the final draft of my Surrogacy contract IN HAND, and will be signing it tomorrow with a Notary who is coming to our house to fill out all the paperwork.

My Period started yesterday, so as soon as I turn this paperwork into my attorney I can go get my estrogen pills to begin building the lining of my uterus. Once everything is lined, I will schedule my transfer and a few days before my transfer, begin the Progesterone shots in my hip every day for the next 3 months I believe. (I find out for sure when I get all the medication so I can have a more accurate description of all that when I get it.)

I'm going to get emotional here for a second. (This will happen a lot you guys..) I have dreamed about his journey for a very long time. To be able to help IF (Intended Father) and IM (Intended Mother) is the most incredible blessing. They have told me on several occasions how grateful they are, but I cannot express how grateful I am to THEM! To allow me the honor of helping them to have their first child. Words cannot express the complete and tangible joy that brings to my soul. Their child will forever be a glow around my heart because I will be able to help God to create a family! Their child will be born in their hearts..IS born in their hearts, and has lived there since the day they desired to have him/her. I am just the package their baby will be wrapped in, growing, and getting ready to finally be placed in their arms. It's a strange emotion, a strange feeling, to feel a soul waiting to come to earth, standing in the wings. This is all really happening. Please send your prayers to whichever God you believe in, or if you believe in no God, send positive energy into the world with IF and IM in mind as we get ready for a transfer hopefully in a few weeks! Pray or hope for the embryo to nestle comfortably and healthy for the next 9 months. :)

Monday, October 7, 2013

How to handle "those" comments...

"You're going to carry someone else's baby?? Isn't it going to be difficult to give up the baby?"

"WHY would you be willing to carry a baby for a gay couple when there are plenty of deserving straight couples??"

"Why don't they just adopt?"

"If infertile people can't have babies, maybe it's because God didn't want them to have a child."

Ok.... Now that your blood is boiling...take a minute to breathe. Let it out slowly. If you are a surrogate mother, or planning on becoming one, or even thinking about becoming a surrogate and have talked to people about it, you may have heard any of the above comments in some way shape or form.

Its upsetting. It hurts. You stand there for a minute with your mouth agape and your brain says "Did they REALLY just say that?" If you're anything like me, your first instinct is to try and dismiss what they said. Maybe they didn't mean it to come out as offensive as it did. Perhaps their thoughts were like word-vomit and they just couldn't stop it before they had a chance to think about it's effect on me. Or worse..maybe they did, and they don't care.

I've had a lot of emails from women asking me how I handle these types of comments. I have had time to analyze people and the comments made to me about my upcoming surrogacy and the one thing I have found to be a common factor is that the person with the strongest opinions generally have the least amount of knowledge regarding surrogacy. Part of why I am keeping this blog is to educate those around me as to the process of surrogacy both the medical aspects and the emotional aspects because there is not a lot of literature out there about it. At least not from the intimacy of the woman going through the surrogacy.

The first time someone said to me "I could never give up a baby after carrying it for 9 months..I don't know how you're going to be able to do it." my first thought internally was "Well it's a good thing it's me doing this then, and not you." Obviously I didn't say that out loud because I realized a split second later, that they were just NOW forming their opinion about surrogacy where as I had spent years thinking about it and deciding if I wanted to do it. There was one occasion where I did actually get angry and say something similar to that, but that was after giving this person several chances to redeem themselves. :/ I am no longer friends with that individual, and am happier for it. My advice to the mothers reading this blog who are in surrogacy, or considering it is this... "Opinions change with new information." Take an internal moment after that initial statement to breathe, then educate. Say as much about the process as you are comfortable baring, and your reasons why you want to be a surrogate. Often times the person listening will be taken aback and feel a change in their opinion. They may say "Wow..that's really incredible of you." or...they may not. If they choose either to not listen to you or to not care, distance yourself from that situation. Lord knows if you are already pregnant your hormones are going crazy anyways. Choose love. Love them and allow them to disagree, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to it constantly. I always settle for a pleasant smile and "Ok..thank you for your opinion." and then walk away. Followed by maybe a little zen meditation, or a quick call to my mom to vent. HAHA!

The world is filled with people, each person going through their own struggles, coming from their own upbringing and exposures to life.  Social media has given each one of those person's a microphone with which to shout their opinions at the world. Sometimes it is best to put your speakers on mute, and just let it be.


As a small update on my personal surrogacy, I am still waiting for my contract to be finalized for me to review and sign. :) Love to all of you!



Monday, September 16, 2013

Saline Sonogram

Today I went in for my Saline Sonogram where they insert a catheter into my uterus and inject saline solution to see the inside of my uterus and make sure there is no scar tissue, or tumors or anything unusual. I went by myself today to the appointment, and was told that Jason and my blood results came back great!! I am Hep B immune and all my blood work came back normal.

The saline sonogram was interesting. They inserted a catheter through my cervix and injected the saline and I could see my uterus expand on the monitor. It was really cool. I didnt even feel the catheter when it was inserted. It was over all a very pain free process.The only difference during the actual transfer is that the embryos will be in the saline next time.  The Dr said my Uterus was beautiful and looked text book. It was an odd compliment but I'll take what I can get. Mainly it made feel excited that I would be able to provide a nice plush warm place for Intended Father and Intended Mother's baby to grow healthy!!


The whole way home I kept thinking, "This is really happening!" I've now been psychologically and medically cleared for this process to continue. Its becoming a reality. I can only imagine the excitement that Intended Father and Intended Mother must be feeling now that they know that things are really picking up! I expect a call from my Lawyer this week or next sometime to go over the drafted contracts, and then once they are signed I begin my Estrogen pills etc.

I've begun thinking up fun ways to tell my IP's (Intended Parents) when I get pregnant. Pinterest is good for things like that. :)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Needle Pricks, Ultrasounds and lots and lots of information. (TMI??)

This is going to have a lot of the medical side to the consultation appointment so if you are squeemish about medical facts and natural human reproductive things DONT read any further..because I wont be censoring  anything.

Today was my appointment with the Reproductive Science Center in San Ramon. Jason and I had an appointment at 8:30am and (surprise surprise) we were running late. My friend Nicole came over at 7:30 to watch the kids, and I scrambled to get everything together and make sure I had all of the paperwork before leaving the house. I called the Dr at 8:20 to let them know we would be late. We got there at 8:45 and were sent to the blood lab. I gave a urine sample (the bathroom was chocked full of porn by the way...ahhh! Was not expecting it to be just laying out but...whatever. I'm no prude...anymore.) Jason gave blood and then I gave 6 vials. Basically they were testing for everything to make sure I was healthy and not deficient of anything. Then Jason and I met with our Nurse Practitioner Chris. She was so very nice and extremely patient and informative. She explained the entire process in detail. She explained the medication I would be taking and when I should begin taking it.

After my next period begins, I start taking an estrogen pill every day. Then 3 days before the embryo transfer Jason will give me one progesterone shot per day right in my rump. Ow! I will continue the shot every day for the next 7 weeks. I will also have a vaginal pill that I insert twice daily. (That was new to me... hadn't expected that one.) I will be on baby asprin every day and also on prenatal vitimins. :) Its a lot, but I can do it!! No problem.

After our questions with Chris the NP, we went to do the ultrasound. My ovaries were measured, but because I am still having some bleeding from my current period we were unable to do the saline mock transfer and she was unable to be sure my uterus was clear of pollups or scar tissue, so I go back in on Monday for another ultrasound.

Jason and I were starving after the appointment so we sat and had a nice lunch at Burger King. I haven't eaten there in forever! I told him I think the last time I ate at a Burger King was when we picked up some of his buddies from the Palm Springs Airport after his pre-deployment leave and shoved three marines and a terrified new marine wife in a truck with broken air conditioning.Cozy.

I was very happy to come home to find two happy babies, and a package from my friend Paula of her Renn Faire clothes she is lending me to wear to the Faire that is in town! I am so excited to go again.. it's been years since I have been there and I plan on enjoying a nice cold beer in costume at 10am... It will be the last drink I have for the next year or so. :) I'm excited for the next step in this surrogacy process.. Ultrasound on monday..then contracts!! Yay!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Frustrations..they happen.

Thank God for Michelle from SAI, she is keeping me sane and probably shielding me from even more frustrations with a certain individual at the Fertility Clinic I am working with for this transfer. There is a woman at the clinic..I'll call her "J", who is handling my paperwork and supposedly gathering my medical files so that she can schedule me for an appointment to come in and get screened and passed medically for this surrogacy. Well... I say supposedly because she has emailed both myself and Michelle asking US to get all of the paperwork for her. I did as much as I was able, but the hospital I delivered Hunter at in MN will only send my medical files to the Fertility clinic directly. I sent J the number to call and gave her the instructions from the hospital and cc'd Michelle. No reply. So then I CALLED J and gave her the same info again. She then emailed MICHELLE and asked HER to get the paperwork to send her. Michelle kindly reminded her that in my instructions I stated that the files could only be sent to a medical facility. SAI is NOT a medical facility. It's been over a week now, and neither Michelle or I have heard from J at all!! Michelle called my hospital in MN and they said no one has called them to ask for my paperwork!!!

Here is why I am fuming.... Not only is J wasting my time and prolonging this whole situation because she is lazy and doesnt want to do work, she is delaying poor Intended Father and Intended Mother who have waited YEARS to become parents because of health issues and now when it's in their grasp and in their sights SHE IS MAKING THEM WAIT BECAUSE SHE IS LAZY!!! Its paperwork!!! Its in her hands and she is taking her sweet time!! She has no sense of urgency and I am getting really really frustrated. I get that my appointment for transfer needs to be 9 months after Emma is born, I get that... but there is more that she can do in the meantime that she is NOT doing. And she is NOT communicating! Sorry... I just feel very angry that this J person is causing even more delay for IF and IM.. They are such beautiful people. I hope J gets her act together ASAP or I will talk to them about working with another woman in the clinic. Someone who sees just how important this work is.

Whew.. ok.. I feel a little more calm.

**Intended Father (IF) Intended Mother (IM)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Paperwork paperwork paperwork...

So much of this surrogacy process is paperwork. I spent much of Friday and Saturday printing off all the paperwork I needed to fill out for my psychiatric screening, and the medical history questions for the IVF clinic. Then I needed to have all of the paperwork from Hunter's delivery and pre-natal apts and Emma's prenatal and delivery apts sent to the clinic. I dont mind paperwork, sometimes I think filling out paperwork is theraputic in that I really let what I'm doing settle in my mind. I have time to think of the seriousness of what I am embarking on as I sign my name to the bottom of each sheet of paper.

Paperwork is the EASY part..if I can't handle paperwork, then the rest of this journey would be too difficult for me.

Saturday morning I had my skype meeting with the SAI agency's psychiatrist for my evaluation. How amazing is it that I could sit for a session with the Dr over a computer?! Technology is truly incredible. She met with both Jason and myself and we discussed our history, how we met, why we want to be surrogates, our strengths, what we admire in each other. That kind of thing. I really enjoyed listening to Jason's responses bc I personally find it difficult to inspire him to open up like that. Hearing the details of why he loves me or what he admires about me really warmed my heart. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW the man loves me.. but hearing the details of why was nice. After our interview, i took a little online test that was 300 questions long and evaluated the complexities of my personality. HA! Good luck test... I hope they sent the answers to Jason. HAHA I'm joking. The test was pretty accurate I thought. She read it's findings to me. Pretty neat!

I received an email from the IVF clinic that said I need to wait until Emma is 9 months old before beginning my fertility shots for the Embryo transfer. So that means my screening apt and blood work wont be until the end of September and I probably wont be officially pregnant until maybe November. I keep reminding myself to breathe. IF and IM have not pressured me to move things faster in any way, but I am the one wishing things would be moving faster! I want to be pregnant next week so I can give them their baby sooner! But I know that certain steps need to happen, and especially must be done for MY health. I'm just impatient. :) Always have been... always will be.

Next step is meeting with my attorney to sign contracts, and then wait until Sept for screenings. :)

In other news, my house smells amazing. I love my diffuser from IF and IM, and it came with perfume that I am obsessed with. Oh and I am making new friends via instagram who are also surrogate mommies!! I love technology sometimes.


** (IF) Intended Father (IM) Intended Mother
For Privacy Reasons names will remain private.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

"Getting to know you.."

When I was in High School I was in a play called "The King and I". It was a very fun show to be a part of, and I played the role of Tuptim, the new bride of the King of Siam. I wore one of my mom's traditional Indonesian dresses that was a gift to her from my Grandparents for the play, and loved the way I looked in the Batik print. I felt very rooted, and grounded in my heritage during that show, even though I played a Burmese woman. Today as I spent time with IF and IM, I found myself whistling a song from that show "Getting to know you". Some of the lyrics are "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me....Haven't you noticed suddenly I'm bright and breezy, because of all the beautiful and new things I'm learning about you day by day." :)

IF and IM came over to our house today to visit, along with IM's parents. It was such an honor for me to meet them. I cleaned my house yesterday and this morning, following Hunter around with a broom and dustpan, desperate to keep the house clean at least until they got here. I set out a kettle of peppermint tea, made a pot of coffee and placed Madeline cookies on a china plate my mother painted rimmed with gold. I set my crystal sugar bowl my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Larry got me for my wedding along side the tea cups and felt ready! I was nervous again. Nervous to meet IM's family with the same nerves I experienced when meeting Jason's family for the first time. I loved IM and IF already as family, I hoped that IM's parents would like us as well. Jason was stuck at the DMV when they arrived, taking his test for his Motorcycle license (which he passed!!) and Hunter said "Uncle Andrew!!" when he saw IF. I laughed, because IF and Andrew (my brother) do have similar features. IM and her family were so nice, and I can only describe the moment seeing them as feeling as if I were with family. IM's mother reminded me so much of my Oma (Grandmother) before my Oma had her stroke. It was almost hard for me to not give her the biggest hug I could. Even the way she held Emma and bounced her reminded me of my Oma. It must be an Indonesian thing. :) IM's father was like the quiet Grandpa who laughed at the kids on the ground, but when he made a joke it was hilarious! IM held Emma and played with her on the ground and I just loved seeing that. I could instantly tell how amazing she will be as a mother, one who smothers her children with warm kisses and holds them until they wiggle free. Exactly the kind of mother I think of myself as. IF played Helicopters with Hunter and Hunter brought his trains to him to see. IF told Hunter that he had a train set just like his as a kid.  :)

IM and IF were so sweet and brought me a gift of a Diffuser that smelled fantastic!! Its on my hutch in my living room now and it smells so good, and a bag of pastries from IM's favorite cafe. It was such a sweet gesture and I honestly look forward to seeing them again in a few weeks. We are slowly getting to know each other little by little, and I am so looking forward to this journey.

After they left I called the Fertility clinic that IM is working with to schedule my appointment and they are emailing me all the paperwork I need to fill out. I go in after my paperwork is turned in for bloodwork, and an ultrasound to be medically sure my Uterus is healthy and can carry a child. I could be pregnant for IM and IF as early as September!! We will see, I am turning in all my paperwork as I get it, so hopefully this will all help to happen soon. :)



Sunday, August 4, 2013

Meeting the Intended Father and Intended Mother!

I could barely sleep last night. I was so excited, scared, nervous and anxious all at the same time. Emma has been working to break through three teeth, so add in a fussy 7 month old and it was a very sleepless night. I woke up this morning and already had my thoughts on IF and IM. I knew that IM was going through her own physical trauma as she had her egg retrieval a few days ago. I kept thinking of all the emotions and energy that this couple had invested into having a family, and it brought tears to my eyes every time I thought of it.

My mom got to our house at 4:00 and I was already dressed to go. I had dinners prepped and in the fridge, and Emma and Hunter's schedule written out on a piece of paper. Hunter asked to watch Dinosaurs with Grandma, so I set that up as well. Then Jason and I were out the door and into the truck. Jason and I were chatty on the way to SF, he sang along to country music, making up his own lyrics to try and make me laugh. He could tell I was nervous. We got stuck in traffic at the Bay Bridge and I knew we were going to be late so I texted IF to let him know. He said "No worries at all." So I felt better after that. We got to SF and parked in a parking structure that charged us 30.00!! to park.. holy cow San Francisco... Then we walked down Market Street to the hotel that IF and IM are staying at. The whole way, as I hung on Jason's arm, I observed the people around me. Some were homeless, some were families speaking French and German, some were obviously art students, and I even saw a Marine. I couldn't help but wonder what each person's story was, and what brought them to that exact location at that moment. What would someone think if they knew we were walking down the street headed to meet a couple I might carry a baby for?? What was THEIR story? That thought quickly passed as two men in black suites swiftly opened the hotel doors for us and we walked into the downstairs lobby. Beige carpet led to an elevator that took us to the 5th floor where the main lobby was. I wrung my hands, wondering if they were as nervous as I was to meet them. We stood in the lobby and I texted IF to tell him we were in the lobby, and he walked around the corner to greet us. We all shook hands and then walked into the restaurant to meet IM who stood to greet us as well. It was such a warm reception and the conversation flowed so easily. It felt like I was speaking with friends or family that I have known for a long time.

We talked about living in CA vs. Life in Indonesia, about what jobs we had, about Indonesian food and IM's love for her dogs, and their close relationship with their family. I then began to tell them why I wanted to be a surrogate mother. I instantly felt my throat catch, and my eyes swelled with tears. I told myself not to cry, but as I recounted my early days with Hunter, and holding him as he cried for hours as a new baby and how I KNEW that there were people out there who wanted what I had, even in that moment of frustration, and how I wanted to give that to someone, I couldn't help becoming emotional. I told them how my heart broke when I thought of how hard couples work to have what I had, and how I wanted so much to be able to bring that joy to someone. IM, IF and I cried, and even Jason as he reached over to grab my hand in support had tears in his eyes. IF and IM could not have been a more wonderful couple. I could instantly tell that they will make fantastic parents. I could feel it. I wanted to flash forward the 9 months so that I could see them with their baby right now! I was so excited for them, and for their supportive family who flew out here to be with them. This is the one of the biggest, most exciting things I have done in my life, and I can not wait to share each moment with them.
                                   

Monday, July 29, 2013

Moving right along...

Well I know it's been a while since my last update, and that's because I didn't want to post anything until I had more to tell. "Nothing new yet!" and "Still waiting." gets boring to read after a while.

So here is what has transpired so far. I got a call 2 weeks ago from my case worker who asked if I was HepB immune. I said "I believe so." She said that the family she wants to introduce my file to, lived in an Asian country where there is a possibility their embryo carried the HepB antibody but that if I was immune to HepB it wouldn't be a problem. Honestly as soon as she said "Asian country", I knew. I KNEW what she was going to say before she even said it. She continued, "I have a lovely couple (I will call them IF (Intended Father) and IM (Intended Mother) for privacy reasons) IF and IM are from the country of Indonesia who have been trying for a very long time to have a baby of their own. May I present your file to them? I think you would be a good match." I just started laughing. I said "No way..did you know I was part Indonesian when you matched us??" after this she started laughing "No I didn't!! But I can tell you that these coincidences happen all the time, and to couples that end up being great matches." I then told her that my grandparents on my dad's side were from Djakarta Indonesia, and then moved to New Guinea and then to the Netherlands where they had my dad. She said "They are from Jakarta!! and IF is German-Indonesian." I cant even begin to explain the goosebumps I felt. It was like God stood next to me with a smile on his face, saying "I love when I arrange these moments."

My case worker called me two days later and said "I told IF and IM about you and that you were part Indonesian and they want to move forward with you!!" I was so excited. Now all I needed to do was wait for their attorney to get the rest of their paperwork to my agency and then to me to look over. Once I approve their paperwork I meet them. They are in SF right now retrieving IM's egg for the embryo transfer that will happen later. At the moment we are planning to meet either for dinner or lunch in SF on Aug 3 or 4th. Jason will be coming with me to meet them. I am so excited that this is all moving forward. I will post again after our meeting to tell you all how it went!

Lots of love!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Let me be clear..

I want to take a minute to clear up some of the reasons why I left the Mormon church, my view of members now, and how I came to surrogacy.

First let me start off by saying that I had a true and REAL testimony of the church in as much as I knew about it. I would have bet my life that the Book of Mormon was real doctorine translated by a man named Joseph Smith. I loved church, I loved the community, and when I prayed to know if the church was true I felt goosebumps. So that must mean it's true right? But..I get goosebumps when I hear Trace Atkins sing.. does that make him a prophet of God? No. There was SO much about the church and it's history that was not told to me as a convert. Yes I understand that to tell a convert everything at once might overload them.. but should hearing the truth feel overloading? Or should it feel right? I longed since I was a little girl having watched my own family split before my eyes, to be the "Eternal" family I saw my cousins a part of. I learned that families in the Mormon church were "sealed" together for eternity in Temples. Wow! How great! That was my first thought...then the thoughts started coming in that I quickly surpressed.. the "Why would God put us on earth to be separated? Why would he require a physical act on earth in order to keep me with my parents forever? That doesn't seem right." and yet I held to the advice I constantly received from members of the church. "Pray about it.. read the book of mormon..it wont all make sense now, but one day it will." I prayed about it...I read the book of mormon, and I continued in blind faith, telling myself that it will all make sense to me someday, I need to keep going to church, need to keep reading. I was married to a non mormon man who was amazingly supportive of my entire lifestyle. Never once did he make me feel embarassed or silly for my beliefs...and yet I was constantly attacking him in my own mind and heart. WHY wont you read the book of mormon?? Why wont you just come with me to church? Why wont you join the church and be sealed to me for eternity?? I kept telling myself that it would happen someday. "Just keep praying for him" members would tell me, as if he were somehow imperfect and defected now, but someday he was sure to be the husband of my dreams. But he was!! He IS the husband of my dreams! He is amazing, and I was holding these grudges against him in my heart, and feeling anger toward him for NO reason!

When recently snippets of information about the church came to light durring Romney's run for President, I plugged my ears. "La la la la!! Anti-mormon propoganda sent to me by the adversary!! I shouldn't listen to it!" I had been warned about this anti-mormon information by the church, and that I should only trust what I read from certain church approved sources. Ok. Uh oh here comes that little voice in the back of my head again.. Shouldn't I seek information to make a proper judgement from multiple sources? From both church and unbiased sites? If I wanted to know if a spouse was cheating on me, I wouldn't only ask them and then have that be it. I would seek information in multiple places, because surely I would not be told the truth from someone seeking to deceive me.

I first read the book "Rough Stone Rolling" a biography about Joseph Smith that I acquired from the deseret book store. I was shocked to discover that not only did Joseph Smith marry a 14 year old girl, but he also was sealed to women who were already legally married to men serving missions. There were several accounts of his first vision, as well as the fact that he did not mention his first vision until 3 years after he formed the church. All of this was grossly different information from what I was told as an investigating member.

Then I read the Pearl of Great Price for myself (I had not read it before) and was shocked to discover this  Abraham 3:2-4

"And I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; and there were many great ones which were near to it. And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the greatest one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest. And the Lord said unto me by the Urim and Thummim, that Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revelutions thereof...."

So God lives on a planet named Kolob? This, I also discovered was written on a papyrus paper that JS had purchased from a passing antiques dealer. The papyrus paper has been examined and studied by egyptologists and found to be mistranslated.

Then I began to question why African American members of the church were not allowed to receive the priesthood until the 1980's.. Why would God urge prophets to continue to be prejudiced? That doesn't sound like a loving God to me.


Now on to the surrogacy part. I have wanted to be a surrogate mother for quite some time. I have had relatively easy pregnancies with my kids and know that I can help a family to have their own child. How beautiful to finally see them as a family! A family they have tried to have for, in some cases, years. I was heart broken to learn that the Mormon church was openly against both IVF as well as Surrogacy. That was the last straw on my list of reasons holding me in the church. I finally thought to myself, there is something wrong here. Something is not feeling right to me.

There is much more that I have learned about the First Presidency etc...GA's but its too much to go into detail. 

I want to be clear in that NO ONE influenced my leaving the church. I through my own research and prayer, came to the conclusions I have now. I am an intelligent person, and to imply that I was sucked into leaving, or somehow had my testimony of the church stripped from me is insulting. I was HEARTBROKEN when I came to the conclusion that the church was not true.. I felt betrayed, lied to, and angry. I am not angry with any members of the church as individuals, because I believe they are just as misled as I was. They are beautiful caring people who believe that they are following God's law, and that is fine. But I will not follow blindly anymore. I still believe in God, and in Jesus Christ, but I believe that they are a more loving and open, forgiving pair than what I was taught through the Mormon church. I in now way judge members who remain faithful, and I respect all that I learned in the Temple, but it is no longer for me. It is a step in my spiritual growth that I am thankful for, but am grateful to be moving on in my life.

I am so excited to be a surrogate mommy, and to help a couple become a family. I am waiting a phone call any day now saying that a couple wants to work with me! AHH I'm so excited to begin this positive journey in my life, and to be accomplishing what I believe God wants me to do for people. I love my life, and my family, and now more than ever I appreciate my husband, and our marriage. Life is beyond great! I hope that family and friends can understand and respect my life decision. Much love and kisses to all!

Monday, July 8, 2013

"Practicing" patience because I'm no expert.

    I've never been a very patient person. Christmas was the hardest. I always wanted to tell my family members what I got them, see their faces right away instead of waiting all that time until Christmas morning.
    When it came to dealing with my strong willed son, I would pray "Lord please give me patience." It seemed to me that God would instead give me more opportunity to cultivate patience. Not exactly what I was looking for God..

But maybe that's exactly how this is going to work. I am checking my email multiple times a day, anxiously waiting to hear from a woman named Ana that I have a couple looking to speak with me about possibly being matched as their surrogate. Maybe...this practice of patience is building on the meaning and the love of the experience. That every day I wait is an added value of love on that final day when I see the couple hold their precious baby(s). Constantly through my life I am showed that God has me on the most perfect time table. I sometimes feel like I go through life as a spiritual infant, crying and wailing at my Father in Heaven because I know what I want.. I want it NOW.. and all the while he is working on creating something even better for me.

I am so anxious to meet my couple, that maybe I need to relax, lean into the love of the experience, and trust that God is preparing the perfect couple to work with. I struggle with being at peace with where I am now. Feeling present in the moment. I need to work on that.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Anxiously waiting..

I feel like I have checked my email 30 times today. My profile is "live" as of today on the SAI surrogate site, and I am so anxious.

I have a couple emotions running through me right now, the first of which is feeling anxious. Are they looking at my profile? Will they feel pulled to want to meet me? These are people who will be trusting me with the life of their child!

Next I feel excited, excited because my life is about to be changed forever. Being a surrogate is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now I am actually doing it! I will actually be helping couples have the children they have dreamed of!

I also feel scared. Scared because the whole process is new to me. The shots, the implantation, the high possibility of twins. Its all new to me. I should probably stop checking my email all day, but its so easy to do on my iPhone. I am so nervous to actually meet the couple that chooses me. What am I going to say "Hi nice to meet you, feel like implanting your baby in me?" I think I just need to focus on relaxing, and embracing every moment of this experience. Worry less about the first meet, and more about just being myself.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Questions and Answers

I thought I would address some of the Questions I have received from Family and Friends in regards to my surrogacy. I will also explain in depth what has brought me to this decision in my life. :)

What made you want to be a surrogate mother?

My son has been sick this past week. Coughing, snot everywhere (including on my shoulder and even my hair,) he has been up most hours of the night, and just when I thought he was getting better, he got sick again and gave it to his little sister. As I sat in my daughter's rocking chair, rocking her back and forth after having cleaned up vomit from her bed, the floor and given her a bath, I leaned my head back and could hear her cooing and gurgling like all babies do at 6 months. I smiled with my eyes closed because even though I was physically exhausted from 2 weeks of colds and was suffering from my own migraine, I wouldn't trade any of that for anything. I allowed myself to be removed from the exhaustion and to really be present in the blessing that was my son and daughter. I want with all of my heart and soul, for the world to be filled with good parents. Who will hold their children in the middle of the night and cherish the small moments of precious time with their child who loves them. If I can help a family to have those sleepless, cough filled, quiet, snotty and wonderful nights, then I will! When I think of how much I love my children, and then I think of how much some families want children of their own to love and cherish, it brings me to tears. I can help them!! So by God, I will!

Won't it be hard to give the Intended Parents the baby once it is born?

This is a hard question to answer because I have yet to be in this position, but let me explain how my brain has processed the situation so far. This is a baby that will be genetically not my own. The child will be entirely the Intended Parents. I will be so invested in the happiness of that child's Parents that I doubt I will be sad to hand them their child. I will be excited! Anxious as they will be! I have already resolved in my brain that I am the oven for THEIR bun.

You said you would be willing to work with a Gay couple?

Yes. I believe that the world is filled with happy families of all sorts that are brimming with love and I would be very happy to be matched with either a Straight or Gay couple.

What agency will you be working with?

I am working with Surrogate Alternatives Inc in San Diego. They have made the process so far very easy and answer all my questions in depth.

If you have any other questions please feel free to leave them in the comments and I can edit this post and answer them as they come in. :)

God Bless!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The beginning..

Let me begin this blog with a few things. This blog will be extremely intimate. It will function as a place for me to discuss my emotions, fears, and hope with the journey of becoming a Gestational Surrogate. I want to introduce myself.. I am 26 years old, a mother of two beautiful children, and a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. When recently I became aware of certain facts about the Mormon church, I began my own journey of  research and have since left the church.

After I had my daughter, people would ask me if my husband and I were done having children. I would say "Yes we are done." and feel this pull within my soul, as if a little one waiting to come to earth was in my ear saying "No your not! One more, don't forget about me!" I had thought about surrogacy before, but the LDS church was very vocal in their expression against Surrogacy. This bothered me, along with the other facts I learned about the LDS church, so I left. I thought to myself, surrogacy is the answer! I want to bring children to earth for couples who long to have children. I am now on an amazing spiritual journey where I am rediscovering my love for God as a being who loves ALL people, and have been approved for surrogacy with an agency in San Diego!!

Surrogacy will be a very spiritual journey for me as I believe I am bringing a child into the world for a family who God feels deserves the joy and blessing of parenthood. I am also really wanting to work with a Gay couple! This is also new for me, as I would be discouraged from this idea by the LDS church.

I know some people who read this blog post will be disappointed to hear I have left the Mormon church, but please know that I am the happiest I have been in a long time, and that my journey in life and in love has led me to where I am. I am very excited to become a surrogate, and hope you enjoy the journey with me!