Thursday, August 21, 2014

Recovery and Reflection

Today I am 5 days post partum and I can honestly say that I am feeling amazing! I know a lot of my friends and family have asked how I'm feeling and I know they mean physically as well as emotionally. I am so pleased to honestly say that I am feeling exactly as I hoped I would. I feel peaceful, complete. The birth and delivery of Alaya to her parents was exactly what I hoped it would be and I feel as if I lived through a real life happy ending. When I held Alaya it was very surreal. I felt absolutely no maternal connection to her whatsoever and that really surprised me. I was prepared to feel some, but I honestly felt more pleasure seeing my IM holding her baby that I did holding her myself. I guess that means I really am meant to be a surrogate! If I miss anyone, it's my IPs. Haha we all became so close during this journey and now they are home in LA and living as a family. They feel closer than friends, they feel like family. They showered my children with love, and lovingly shared their daughter with my children, allowing Hunter to hold her in the hospital room. Hunter hasn't questioned where the baby went because he knows. He saw Alaya with her mommy and daddy and his image of their family is complete now.

I came home on Monday afternoon and my husband (or should I call him superman ) has done everything with our children this whole week. I have been able to rest, and nap, and really recover. Its incredible. I'm finally feeling well enough to do a little bit more walking. We went to Target yesterday so I could buy some new bras, and that was about as much as I could handle. I started to feel dizzy and exhausted, and he took us home and had me nap. My bleeding is almost stopped now, but my hips and tail bone are still quite sore from pushing as well as the baby being stuck behind my tailbone for a while. I think I expected to be completely better and recovered after 3 days...but no.. pushing a tiny human out of your body really is a huge deal and takes a while to recover from.


I'm pumping right now, every 2-3 hours depending on if I am napping or how sore I am. I have a nice stock pile of milk ready in the freezer to ship to my IPs this coming monday. I'm so excited to be able to provide this for them. :)

One thing I noticed with surrogacy at least in my case, is that people are less likely to visit you in your home or bring by dinners etc I think because there is no baby here. That's fine with me, we got some freezer meals before I delivered because we kind of expected that the after environment would be different. My Mom, step dad, dad, and grandparents visited me in the hospital which was exactly what I needed. I was happy to not be swamped with visitors because it allowed me to sleep almost the whole day. It was great. :) If you are a surrogate and getting ready to deliver, just prepare yourself that the time afterwards when you are home will be calmer, and different. I have also been asked if I would ever consider being a surrogate again. Here is my 2 part answer..

1) If I did decide to become a surrogate again for a couple, it wouldn't be for a few years. The most difficult part of this surrogacy was having young children who still needed me quite often and through the night. It was physically draining for me at times.

2) This experience with my IPs was so wonderful and amazing that I have real hesitation to every do it again. I ended the experience on such a high note, that I doubt I could ever find another couple and situation that worked so perfectly together again. Maybe God had me become a surrogate solely so that I could help this couple..maybe God has another couple waiting for me in a few years that I will be so moved to help again. I dont know. But I do know that this was such a positive and perfect time that I dont see how it could every be this wonderful again. :) But we shall see...


This Friday is Jason and my 5 year anniversary and I am very excited to go to dinner at the Leatherneck Steakhouse in SF. It will be a marvelous reason to dress up, do my hair, and enjoy a glass of wine after almost a year of no drinking.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Welcome to the world Alaya! (A birth story)

On August 15th at roughly 3pm, while talking through the window to my neighbors next door, I began having the "real deal" contractions. It started off slowly, one every 10 minutes or so, but I could tell that these contractions were more intense than the ones that brought me into the hospital the previous week. I began walking slowly around the house getting things ready in case I had to go in. I grabbed some clean sheets out of the closet and put them folded on my bed for when my mom spent the night, I arranged Emma and Hunter's night clothes etc and began cooking dinner. I made Bachwurst, pesto cous cous, and began snapping the ends off of green beans to steam. Several times I had to stop and breathe through the contractions. They were getting more painful and closer together. I told Jason he should start timing them, and sure enough they were a pretty consistent 5 minutes apart. I sent my IF and IM a text message telling them what was going on and that after we ate dinner we would be heading into the hospital. My mom and step dad arrived about 20 minutes later and at this point I was positive I was in real labor. I braced my hand against the wall at one point and my mom looked at me and said "I've seen THAT face before...those are the real contractions." and she gave me a hug before Jason and I grabbed our bags. I gave Hunter a big hug and told him that mommy was going to the Dr's now to have IM and IF's baby. He threw his arms up and said "Yay and then we go to Disneyland!!!" I laughed and said "Yes buddy but not tonight. ;) Disneyland is our family trip we have planned in celebration of the completion of this surrogacy. Needless to say he's a little excited.

Jason drove very carefully to Kaiser in San Leandro. The hospital is brand new and when we got there they were extremely busy. I sat on the Observation room bed and really began to struggle with the labor pains. The midwife who was on duty was a lovely woman named Summer. She checked me and said I was at 4-5cm and that she was going to admit me. "Lets have a baby tonight!" she said, and I could not agree more. I was so physically exhausted from 5 days of contactions I could have probably cried if I wasn't so excited. I messaged IF that they were admitting me, but I still hadn't heard back from them. I thought they would have been there an hour ago, but they walked in shortly after we were put into the LAST available delivery room (which also happened to be the largest.) IM said that IF was so nervous and excited that he drove the wrong way and ended up in Napa before turning around to come back. We all laughed and said that it will make a good story to tell Alaya when she is older. "Your dad was so excited that you were coming that he drove all the way to wine country before anyone realized he was in the wrong place...oops!"

Labor with this third pregnancy was very different from what I had with my own kids. I was very slow to progress. It took me 7 hours and I was still only at 5-6cm and my contractions began to space apart again. Jason, IM and IF all got comfortable with pillows and blankets in chairs and on the couch, and we all tried to get some rest before things would get crazy. It was so surreal to me, laying there in the dark with half my body numb, seeing this couple laying together asleep and waiting for their daughter. I couldn't believe it was Christmas when we found out I was pregnant. A nurse came in and they put me on a very low dose of Pitocin and that was enough to give me some GOOD contractions. 2 hours later I was 8cm and the Midwife on duty Fae, broke my bag of water. I told her "Don't go far...I progress really quickly after my bag of water breaks." She left the room and 3 minutes later I felt the incredible urge to push.  Jason got up and stood with me as the nurse started running around the room setting things up. She pulled tools out, and turned the baby table warmer on, and ran to get Midwife Fae back. Fae began suiting up and I was literally holding my breath to keep from pushing. Jason got a wet rag because he remembered that I  get really warm while pushing and he wiped my face. IM put on a nursing gown in the bathroom so that she could hold her daughter right away for skin to skin. She stood down at my feet with Jason and IF stood by my head with his camera taking pictures.

When that moment comes where its time to push, there is this glorious feeling of "I can do this!" and it doesn't matter if things hurt (which they did) because you are so close to the end. I grabbed my thighs and tilted my elbows out, chin to my chest and pushed. My midwife said several times that I was an excellent pusher. She came down really quickly. After 25 minutes I stretched out to try and get her head out from under my tailbone. she was apparently face up and it took a while to get her out from under my tailbone. I could feel her head crowning, and in between pushed while I breathed, I began to get emotional. It was an odd moment to be suspended in. I could see IM, anticipating and seeing her daughters head, Jason was with one hand on my shoulder and one with the cool wet rag, and I could feel IF behind me. My nurse was giving quiet calming words of encouragement and my midwife was intently ready and helping baby's head work its way slowly. I took a deep breath and pushed, lots of "Yes Corinne that' it..push push push...just like that...ok now stop." and I breathed and concentrated so she could do something with the baby before I pushed again and the rest of her came out. They put her on my tummy so they could clamp the umbelical cord and IM was right beside me holding my hand as we both wept. She and I hugged crying, as she saw her daughter's face for the first time, laying on me. "Thank you..thank you....thank you..." she kept saying. IF had the biggest smile and he was beside me on my other side and he cut the cord. Jason was at my feet, arms folded and eyes wet as he smiled at me from behind the family we helped to create. It was a moment where I could feel his love for me from across the room, and I just loved him even more for being my rock. The nurse wiped Alaya off and handed her to her mommy. IM wrapped her and held her close to her chest as she walked to a chair across the room. Jason came over and gave me a tender kiss and stood beside me as I was sewn up. I had 2nd degree tears but it was all on the surface, luckily no inside tearing. There was nothing in the world that made me happier in that moment than looking over and seeing IM and IF lost in their daughter. She was calm, quiet, and nicely pink in her mommy's arms. They were a family. I helped create that, and I was so humbled as if standing before a true footprint of God in life. That moment was so rich in love and mercy that I was positive I could feel God in that room. Present as He answered a much repeated prayer.



After I was cleaned up, IM's mother and father came into the room. I was surprised with IM's mother came straight to me first. She grabbed both of my hands and with tears in her eyes she kissed both of my cheeks and said "I will never forget this....I will never forget this..thank you..thank you...You are my daughter.. you are family." I teared up and she went over to kiss IM and her new grand daughter. Im's father also gave me a big hug and kissed both of my cheeks before walking to see his daughter. The next moment is one that will live in my memory forever... the three of them..Mother, Father, daughter and grand daughter...they wept together and Im's mother kissed her forehead and blessed the baby. I took a picture of them in that quiet and intimate moment, and looking at it will always cause me to cry I think. Such relief, and peace in one photo after years of loss and heart ache. It was beautiful.


After a few hours, they moved IM and IF into their own recovery room, and I into mine. I was able to sleep immediately and Jason rested a little before heading home to relieve my mom and take over with the kids. That night IM and IF brought Alaya to my room and we relaxed and chatted for a good 2 hours. I was able to hold her for a little while and she is so cute!! (At the request of her parents I will not be showing pictures of her face yet..they have some people they would like to share with first so it will be a few months or so.) I gave them some gifts, I got IM an necklace that says "A mother's love has no end" and for the two of them a sculpture from my favorite artist. Its called Willow and the carving is of a mother father and little baby embracing. I am currently still here at the hospital recovering, but they were released today to go home. They will visit again tomorrow before driving back to LA. I am so very excited for them to begin their life together as a family. Hunter was able to hold Alaya and see them as a family so that was a nice finish to the story for him. He now sees that she is safely with her mommy and daddy. I will be discharged tomorrow at 11, and then I can go home and rest. This whole surrogacy experience has been amazing.. I went in with high hopes and expectations and all of those were exceeded. Such a beautiful finish to an amazing journey. :)

Alaya 6lbs 11oz 19 1/4inches long at 10am Aug 16th.  :)






Tuesday, August 12, 2014

37 weeks and 3 days..early labor and 3 trips to the hospital.

Why isn't labor as clear cut and easy as on television? Thats what I want to know. Ideally I should be walking around minding my own business when all of a sudden I bend over in pain and say "Its time!" and then that's it.. right? Or my water would break and then suddenly I'm huffing and puffing to the nearest car. Unfortunately labor and the eventual delivery is not that simple.

For me, labor begins about a week before I actually deliver. This is how its been with both my children and how it's seeming to go with Princess Surrobaby as well. This weekend I started having regular braxton hicks and went in and was 50% effaced and closed. (Meaning not dilated.) The following morning I went in again to have a test done to see if my waters were leaking and they were not but I was then 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. Overnight! My IPs were literally on their way from southern CA and IF planned on stopping by to visit with his friend and the woman who had been their family nanny at 5pm. When they got here I was so relieved. My contractions were every 5 mins and very painful. I had to close my eyes and go completely inward to focus on getting through the contraction. The room would get very quiet each time I had a contraction and Jason timed them on his iphone, showing IF the different aps that were available to download to time contractions etc.

IF's friend was so kind and complimented me several times on how controlled I seemed to be with my pain management. I tend to get very quiet when I'm in labor pain. It hurts too much to have the energy to scream. IF's friend is a professional photographer and asked me if i was on with him taking some pictures and  keeping a photo journal of the labor etc for my IPs. I was totally ok with that. :) I also happened to have had makeup on that day.. go me!! After about an hour of contractions every 5 mins we decided to go in to the hospital. IM and her parents were still on their flight from LA, and would land in SF any minute then meet us at the hospital. I went to an observation room and was hooked up to monitors and they informed me my contractions were now 2-3 mins apart. I kept thinking "This is it! I'm in labor!" soon my IM walked into the room. Princess surrobaby's heart rate accelerated and she began moving all over the place. We all laughed and IM put her hands on my tummy to feel her daughter moving and to feel my contractions. She was an OB and I saw her go between Dr, and excited mother. She looked at the chart with my contractions and felt my tummy and stood beside me with two sides to her. The Dr who was all too familiar with delivering babies, and the excited/nervous mommy. After a few hours my contractions unfortunately tapered off some and when I was checked I was still 2cm and 50% effaced so they let me go home. These past few days have been filled with mild to strong contractions that don't get worse or closer together but are enough to keep me awake at night and make me feel like I've been hit by a semi truck. My husband has been so kind to take these past two days off of work to help me here at home. He won't get paid for the days off, but it's worth it to have him help me here we feel.

I was so lucky to have my best friend Reshea visit me as well during this whole ordeal. She flew out from AZ and stayed with us for 5 days. She woke up with my kids in the morning so I could sleep some more, and helped with everything here at the house. It was honestly a life saver having her here. :)

I am now 37 weeks and 3 days. The exact day I delivered Emma on. We shall see how long I go from here. Could be any day though! Here is my sad face belly picture and one where Hunter decided to do a belly shot with me. ;)



P.s. Yes I know babies are supposed to stay in utero until 40 weeks.. yes I know its best for her to remain in me. Just don't tell me that right now while I've been in labor for 3 days k?