Monday, July 29, 2013

Moving right along...

Well I know it's been a while since my last update, and that's because I didn't want to post anything until I had more to tell. "Nothing new yet!" and "Still waiting." gets boring to read after a while.

So here is what has transpired so far. I got a call 2 weeks ago from my case worker who asked if I was HepB immune. I said "I believe so." She said that the family she wants to introduce my file to, lived in an Asian country where there is a possibility their embryo carried the HepB antibody but that if I was immune to HepB it wouldn't be a problem. Honestly as soon as she said "Asian country", I knew. I KNEW what she was going to say before she even said it. She continued, "I have a lovely couple (I will call them IF (Intended Father) and IM (Intended Mother) for privacy reasons) IF and IM are from the country of Indonesia who have been trying for a very long time to have a baby of their own. May I present your file to them? I think you would be a good match." I just started laughing. I said "No way..did you know I was part Indonesian when you matched us??" after this she started laughing "No I didn't!! But I can tell you that these coincidences happen all the time, and to couples that end up being great matches." I then told her that my grandparents on my dad's side were from Djakarta Indonesia, and then moved to New Guinea and then to the Netherlands where they had my dad. She said "They are from Jakarta!! and IF is German-Indonesian." I cant even begin to explain the goosebumps I felt. It was like God stood next to me with a smile on his face, saying "I love when I arrange these moments."

My case worker called me two days later and said "I told IF and IM about you and that you were part Indonesian and they want to move forward with you!!" I was so excited. Now all I needed to do was wait for their attorney to get the rest of their paperwork to my agency and then to me to look over. Once I approve their paperwork I meet them. They are in SF right now retrieving IM's egg for the embryo transfer that will happen later. At the moment we are planning to meet either for dinner or lunch in SF on Aug 3 or 4th. Jason will be coming with me to meet them. I am so excited that this is all moving forward. I will post again after our meeting to tell you all how it went!

Lots of love!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Let me be clear..

I want to take a minute to clear up some of the reasons why I left the Mormon church, my view of members now, and how I came to surrogacy.

First let me start off by saying that I had a true and REAL testimony of the church in as much as I knew about it. I would have bet my life that the Book of Mormon was real doctorine translated by a man named Joseph Smith. I loved church, I loved the community, and when I prayed to know if the church was true I felt goosebumps. So that must mean it's true right? But..I get goosebumps when I hear Trace Atkins sing.. does that make him a prophet of God? No. There was SO much about the church and it's history that was not told to me as a convert. Yes I understand that to tell a convert everything at once might overload them.. but should hearing the truth feel overloading? Or should it feel right? I longed since I was a little girl having watched my own family split before my eyes, to be the "Eternal" family I saw my cousins a part of. I learned that families in the Mormon church were "sealed" together for eternity in Temples. Wow! How great! That was my first thought...then the thoughts started coming in that I quickly surpressed.. the "Why would God put us on earth to be separated? Why would he require a physical act on earth in order to keep me with my parents forever? That doesn't seem right." and yet I held to the advice I constantly received from members of the church. "Pray about it.. read the book of mormon..it wont all make sense now, but one day it will." I prayed about it...I read the book of mormon, and I continued in blind faith, telling myself that it will all make sense to me someday, I need to keep going to church, need to keep reading. I was married to a non mormon man who was amazingly supportive of my entire lifestyle. Never once did he make me feel embarassed or silly for my beliefs...and yet I was constantly attacking him in my own mind and heart. WHY wont you read the book of mormon?? Why wont you just come with me to church? Why wont you join the church and be sealed to me for eternity?? I kept telling myself that it would happen someday. "Just keep praying for him" members would tell me, as if he were somehow imperfect and defected now, but someday he was sure to be the husband of my dreams. But he was!! He IS the husband of my dreams! He is amazing, and I was holding these grudges against him in my heart, and feeling anger toward him for NO reason!

When recently snippets of information about the church came to light durring Romney's run for President, I plugged my ears. "La la la la!! Anti-mormon propoganda sent to me by the adversary!! I shouldn't listen to it!" I had been warned about this anti-mormon information by the church, and that I should only trust what I read from certain church approved sources. Ok. Uh oh here comes that little voice in the back of my head again.. Shouldn't I seek information to make a proper judgement from multiple sources? From both church and unbiased sites? If I wanted to know if a spouse was cheating on me, I wouldn't only ask them and then have that be it. I would seek information in multiple places, because surely I would not be told the truth from someone seeking to deceive me.

I first read the book "Rough Stone Rolling" a biography about Joseph Smith that I acquired from the deseret book store. I was shocked to discover that not only did Joseph Smith marry a 14 year old girl, but he also was sealed to women who were already legally married to men serving missions. There were several accounts of his first vision, as well as the fact that he did not mention his first vision until 3 years after he formed the church. All of this was grossly different information from what I was told as an investigating member.

Then I read the Pearl of Great Price for myself (I had not read it before) and was shocked to discover this  Abraham 3:2-4

"And I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; and there were many great ones which were near to it. And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the greatest one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest. And the Lord said unto me by the Urim and Thummim, that Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revelutions thereof...."

So God lives on a planet named Kolob? This, I also discovered was written on a papyrus paper that JS had purchased from a passing antiques dealer. The papyrus paper has been examined and studied by egyptologists and found to be mistranslated.

Then I began to question why African American members of the church were not allowed to receive the priesthood until the 1980's.. Why would God urge prophets to continue to be prejudiced? That doesn't sound like a loving God to me.


Now on to the surrogacy part. I have wanted to be a surrogate mother for quite some time. I have had relatively easy pregnancies with my kids and know that I can help a family to have their own child. How beautiful to finally see them as a family! A family they have tried to have for, in some cases, years. I was heart broken to learn that the Mormon church was openly against both IVF as well as Surrogacy. That was the last straw on my list of reasons holding me in the church. I finally thought to myself, there is something wrong here. Something is not feeling right to me.

There is much more that I have learned about the First Presidency etc...GA's but its too much to go into detail. 

I want to be clear in that NO ONE influenced my leaving the church. I through my own research and prayer, came to the conclusions I have now. I am an intelligent person, and to imply that I was sucked into leaving, or somehow had my testimony of the church stripped from me is insulting. I was HEARTBROKEN when I came to the conclusion that the church was not true.. I felt betrayed, lied to, and angry. I am not angry with any members of the church as individuals, because I believe they are just as misled as I was. They are beautiful caring people who believe that they are following God's law, and that is fine. But I will not follow blindly anymore. I still believe in God, and in Jesus Christ, but I believe that they are a more loving and open, forgiving pair than what I was taught through the Mormon church. I in now way judge members who remain faithful, and I respect all that I learned in the Temple, but it is no longer for me. It is a step in my spiritual growth that I am thankful for, but am grateful to be moving on in my life.

I am so excited to be a surrogate mommy, and to help a couple become a family. I am waiting a phone call any day now saying that a couple wants to work with me! AHH I'm so excited to begin this positive journey in my life, and to be accomplishing what I believe God wants me to do for people. I love my life, and my family, and now more than ever I appreciate my husband, and our marriage. Life is beyond great! I hope that family and friends can understand and respect my life decision. Much love and kisses to all!

Monday, July 8, 2013

"Practicing" patience because I'm no expert.

    I've never been a very patient person. Christmas was the hardest. I always wanted to tell my family members what I got them, see their faces right away instead of waiting all that time until Christmas morning.
    When it came to dealing with my strong willed son, I would pray "Lord please give me patience." It seemed to me that God would instead give me more opportunity to cultivate patience. Not exactly what I was looking for God..

But maybe that's exactly how this is going to work. I am checking my email multiple times a day, anxiously waiting to hear from a woman named Ana that I have a couple looking to speak with me about possibly being matched as their surrogate. Maybe...this practice of patience is building on the meaning and the love of the experience. That every day I wait is an added value of love on that final day when I see the couple hold their precious baby(s). Constantly through my life I am showed that God has me on the most perfect time table. I sometimes feel like I go through life as a spiritual infant, crying and wailing at my Father in Heaven because I know what I want.. I want it NOW.. and all the while he is working on creating something even better for me.

I am so anxious to meet my couple, that maybe I need to relax, lean into the love of the experience, and trust that God is preparing the perfect couple to work with. I struggle with being at peace with where I am now. Feeling present in the moment. I need to work on that.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Anxiously waiting..

I feel like I have checked my email 30 times today. My profile is "live" as of today on the SAI surrogate site, and I am so anxious.

I have a couple emotions running through me right now, the first of which is feeling anxious. Are they looking at my profile? Will they feel pulled to want to meet me? These are people who will be trusting me with the life of their child!

Next I feel excited, excited because my life is about to be changed forever. Being a surrogate is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now I am actually doing it! I will actually be helping couples have the children they have dreamed of!

I also feel scared. Scared because the whole process is new to me. The shots, the implantation, the high possibility of twins. Its all new to me. I should probably stop checking my email all day, but its so easy to do on my iPhone. I am so nervous to actually meet the couple that chooses me. What am I going to say "Hi nice to meet you, feel like implanting your baby in me?" I think I just need to focus on relaxing, and embracing every moment of this experience. Worry less about the first meet, and more about just being myself.