Imagine for a moment that your child is taken out of your arms, and placed far across from you, maybe a mile. In between you are mountains, lakes, rivers, snow storms and hurricanes, all who's focus and goal is to keep you from your child. How do you feel? Is there a welling within your soul, both hormonally and emotionally to do everything within your power to get to your baby? You would not think twice before diving headfirst into that lake, climbing even barefoot over that mountain if you knew your child was waiting for you on the other side.
Now imagine all of those barriers in between you and your baby as infertility.
You KNOW in your soul that you are meant to be a mother. You know it so strongly that it vibrates in your DNA.. it makes you who you are and you long for that child the way a sinking ship longs for air. Every mountain is climbed before seeing another obstacle in front of you. But still you do not give up. You ARE a mother. Mothers do not give up on their children. Another mountain. Your feet begin to blister, but still you climb, numb to the pain. You barely even think of the pain, as you focus on your child waiting for you. You climb faster. A lake. You swim, gasping for air as you dare not look at how far you have left. Keep moving. Don't stop. You focus on the warmth of the soft bundle in your mind, and swim harder. Push...Push. You cough on water as you emerge upon the rocky shore. Another mountain in your path. Suddenly feeling swamped and exhausted you move forward, slightly slower, but continuing to move.
IM has climbed mountains and swam through lakes of pain and emotional turmoil that I will never fully understand. But it is here at the base of what I hope is her final mountain that I join her at her hip and throw her arm over my shoulder to assist her in this final climb. Never have I met a Mother so determined, so driven to get to her baby. I am and will forever be honored that she chose me to support her in her final climb. She is the strongest Mother I have ever met...and while I am still getting to know this woman, and her passions and her strengths, I can already say how blessed I am to be welcomed into her life, and to be entrusted with bringing her baby a mountain or two closer to her grasp. To witness those final moments of emotional exhaustion when mother and child are reunited on this earth at last.
To those women who struggle with infertility...who know their children wait for them either through their own labor and delivery, or through adoption, you are all stronger than I will ever be. I am forever in awe of your drive to become mothers. What a beautiful contribution of love you bring to the lives of children in this world.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
The terrible experience...and my savior Dr. Pham.
Today was my first appointment with my new Dr. at the Fremont Kaiser facility and it was the worst experience I have ever had with a Dr in my life. We'll call him... Dr. N. If you really want to know who to avoid, email me and I'll give you his name. But for this post I will refer to him as Dr. N.
The nurse called me back and took my weight. 137.2lbs.. woo! I've gained 2lbs since starting my meds. Some women gain 15!! I was shown into a tiny exam room and sat on a very low exam bed. Apparently the facility used to be a pediatrics unit so everything was smaller scaled. The nurse took my blood pressure, and typed a little on the computer. She didn't ask me if I had children, had ever given birth, if they were healthy births..nothing. Then she asked me to disrobe from the waist down and the Dr. N would be in shortly. When Dr. N walked in, he didn't smile, shake my hand or even say "Hello." He said "So how're you feelin." and I said "Uh I'm having some morning sickness.." and he cut me off saying "Haha..thats normal. So you had some questions about the genetic testing?" I said "Yes.. I'm a surrogate so I wondered if it was necessary to test ME since the baby is not genetically mine." The demeanor of Dr. N instantly changed. He suddenly seemed to long to be anywhere but in the room with me. He explained vaguely how the testing worked and to ask my IPs if they would still be interested. The nurse took over to go into a little more depth and the Dr stood impatiently with the ultrasound wand in his hand waiting to get things over with. The entire attitude and demeanor of this Dr. was almost as if he were annoyed that he were wasting his time with me. As if he didn't need to attempt to show any interest or care because I wasn't the mother. He saw me as a business. A business transaction sitting on his table. That made me less of a human to him and less of a patient. I asked him to look for the blood remaining in my uterus to know if I should maintain light rest. I started filming the ultrasound and asked if we could hear the heartbeat. He said "Its too early to hear a heartbeat. You wont be able to hear one until 12 weeks." I was instantly taken aback. I had two videos of ultrasounds with heartbeats. The whole ultrasound lasted I am not kidding, 30 seconds. He froze one frame angle and took a rough measurement of the baby and said. "Ok." and pulled the wand out. I said "Did you look for the blood?? Is there still remaining blood?" and he squinted at the frozen frame on the screen and said, "Nope. I dont see anything. You're fine." and then told me "I need to go take some needles out of the woman in the next room. Don't want to over cook her." and then walked out. I began to tear up. I was being blatantly ignored when I had serious questions that needed answering! The nurse frantically tried to fill in various gaps as I cried saying again how important it was that he be sure there was no more blood so I can behave according to what is best for the baby! I didn't want to resume normal activity and have something happen to this miracle baby because some Dr was too lazy to look harder on the ultrasound! The nurse went over more information about the genetic testing when about 5 minutes later the Dr poked his head back in the exam room and said "Uh...what's going on here?" She said "Oh I'm just going over the genetic testing paperwork with her now." and Dr.N said "Oh well..you need to finish up because we have other ladies waiting." and then shut the door. Even the nurse stood with her mouth open before coming up with some lame excuse for him like "Oh he's just checking on us to see how we're doing." No. He's rude, and he doesn't care about me as a patient. I left that appointment feeling insulted, angry, and still concerned about the state of my uterus and if there was still blood remaining in my uterus. I cried the whole way home.
When I got home I filed a formal complaint against Dr.N. and switched my Dr to Michelle Pham. When I explained what happened to Kaiser on the phone the scheduled me later in the day for a re-do appointment with Dr. Pham. My experience with her was infinitely better. Normal even! She smiled and shook my hand on entry, and asked about my experience earlier today. I told her everything and what my concerns were and she was happy to help me feel better, and more comfortable. She performed the ultrasound and even suggested to me that I film it for the IPs!! Haha! I said Thanks ya I love doing that! We listened to the heartbeat (that lying jerk face Dr. N.. I KNEW it wasn't too early to hear a heartbeat. Even on those machines.) the heartbeat was in the 180s! Dr. Pham looked for a long time from multiple angles and said she didn't see any residual blood in my uterus. That my body has most likely reabsorbed the remaining old blood. Then she checked my ovaries and gave me a routine breast exam. She spoke to me about my IPs, and wrote down their names in her notes. She said she liked to know their names so they were real people to her. I said "You will probably meet them eventually! I'm sure when they come out here they will come to appointments with me!" She was very excited and honored to be included in this journey for my IPs and myself. I felt so comfortable with her and was so glad her nurse asked me normal first appointment questions about my previous births, and issues from pregnancy. It was much more "normal". I left feeling happy and like a human again. :)
I will still not be doing anything strenuous and will still be using my babysitters so that I can rest and catch up on missed sleep. Childcare every now and then is a real blessing!
The nurse called me back and took my weight. 137.2lbs.. woo! I've gained 2lbs since starting my meds. Some women gain 15!! I was shown into a tiny exam room and sat on a very low exam bed. Apparently the facility used to be a pediatrics unit so everything was smaller scaled. The nurse took my blood pressure, and typed a little on the computer. She didn't ask me if I had children, had ever given birth, if they were healthy births..nothing. Then she asked me to disrobe from the waist down and the Dr. N would be in shortly. When Dr. N walked in, he didn't smile, shake my hand or even say "Hello." He said "So how're you feelin." and I said "Uh I'm having some morning sickness.." and he cut me off saying "Haha..thats normal. So you had some questions about the genetic testing?" I said "Yes.. I'm a surrogate so I wondered if it was necessary to test ME since the baby is not genetically mine." The demeanor of Dr. N instantly changed. He suddenly seemed to long to be anywhere but in the room with me. He explained vaguely how the testing worked and to ask my IPs if they would still be interested. The nurse took over to go into a little more depth and the Dr stood impatiently with the ultrasound wand in his hand waiting to get things over with. The entire attitude and demeanor of this Dr. was almost as if he were annoyed that he were wasting his time with me. As if he didn't need to attempt to show any interest or care because I wasn't the mother. He saw me as a business. A business transaction sitting on his table. That made me less of a human to him and less of a patient. I asked him to look for the blood remaining in my uterus to know if I should maintain light rest. I started filming the ultrasound and asked if we could hear the heartbeat. He said "Its too early to hear a heartbeat. You wont be able to hear one until 12 weeks." I was instantly taken aback. I had two videos of ultrasounds with heartbeats. The whole ultrasound lasted I am not kidding, 30 seconds. He froze one frame angle and took a rough measurement of the baby and said. "Ok." and pulled the wand out. I said "Did you look for the blood?? Is there still remaining blood?" and he squinted at the frozen frame on the screen and said, "Nope. I dont see anything. You're fine." and then told me "I need to go take some needles out of the woman in the next room. Don't want to over cook her." and then walked out. I began to tear up. I was being blatantly ignored when I had serious questions that needed answering! The nurse frantically tried to fill in various gaps as I cried saying again how important it was that he be sure there was no more blood so I can behave according to what is best for the baby! I didn't want to resume normal activity and have something happen to this miracle baby because some Dr was too lazy to look harder on the ultrasound! The nurse went over more information about the genetic testing when about 5 minutes later the Dr poked his head back in the exam room and said "Uh...what's going on here?" She said "Oh I'm just going over the genetic testing paperwork with her now." and Dr.N said "Oh well..you need to finish up because we have other ladies waiting." and then shut the door. Even the nurse stood with her mouth open before coming up with some lame excuse for him like "Oh he's just checking on us to see how we're doing." No. He's rude, and he doesn't care about me as a patient. I left that appointment feeling insulted, angry, and still concerned about the state of my uterus and if there was still blood remaining in my uterus. I cried the whole way home.
When I got home I filed a formal complaint against Dr.N. and switched my Dr to Michelle Pham. When I explained what happened to Kaiser on the phone the scheduled me later in the day for a re-do appointment with Dr. Pham. My experience with her was infinitely better. Normal even! She smiled and shook my hand on entry, and asked about my experience earlier today. I told her everything and what my concerns were and she was happy to help me feel better, and more comfortable. She performed the ultrasound and even suggested to me that I film it for the IPs!! Haha! I said Thanks ya I love doing that! We listened to the heartbeat (that lying jerk face Dr. N.. I KNEW it wasn't too early to hear a heartbeat. Even on those machines.) the heartbeat was in the 180s! Dr. Pham looked for a long time from multiple angles and said she didn't see any residual blood in my uterus. That my body has most likely reabsorbed the remaining old blood. Then she checked my ovaries and gave me a routine breast exam. She spoke to me about my IPs, and wrote down their names in her notes. She said she liked to know their names so they were real people to her. I said "You will probably meet them eventually! I'm sure when they come out here they will come to appointments with me!" She was very excited and honored to be included in this journey for my IPs and myself. I felt so comfortable with her and was so glad her nurse asked me normal first appointment questions about my previous births, and issues from pregnancy. It was much more "normal". I left feeling happy and like a human again. :)
I will still not be doing anything strenuous and will still be using my babysitters so that I can rest and catch up on missed sleep. Childcare every now and then is a real blessing!
Monday, January 20, 2014
My 8 week apt. and last visit with RSC in San Ramon!
Today was my last visit with Reproductive Science Center in San Ramon with Dr. Weckstein. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then possibly blood work to begin taking me off my medications!! I got the the lobby and the Receptionist said "Hi Corinne!" Haha it felt nice that they knew me by my first name, and she instantly pulled out my chart. There was a couple speaking to another Dr. in the lobby with baby twins in their arms. Twin girls. I got so bubbly and excited at the thought that it might be IF and IM in here with their baby, showing Dr Weckstein in 7 months!!
The ultrasound went well, the baby was so much bigger than last time I saw it, and actually had begun taking on some human characteristics. Dr. Weckstein pointed out the head, and the spine, and even a leg! I took a video of it and send it to the IPs after the appointment. I still have a little bit of remaining blood loose in my uterus that my body hasn't absorbed yet, so I need to still take things relatively easy and rest as often as I can. I meet this Thursday with my new OB at Kaiser. He came very highly recommended, so I am excited to meet him and begin the rest of this journey in his care.
8 weeks down!! Yay! Bring on the second trimester...because this morning sickness/All day sickness has come on full swing. I am eating a rice cake as I type this, so I dont vomit all over my keyboard. Lovely image right? Goodnight everyone!
The ultrasound went well, the baby was so much bigger than last time I saw it, and actually had begun taking on some human characteristics. Dr. Weckstein pointed out the head, and the spine, and even a leg! I took a video of it and send it to the IPs after the appointment. I still have a little bit of remaining blood loose in my uterus that my body hasn't absorbed yet, so I need to still take things relatively easy and rest as often as I can. I meet this Thursday with my new OB at Kaiser. He came very highly recommended, so I am excited to meet him and begin the rest of this journey in his care.
8 weeks down!! Yay! Bring on the second trimester...because this morning sickness/All day sickness has come on full swing. I am eating a rice cake as I type this, so I dont vomit all over my keyboard. Lovely image right? Goodnight everyone!
Monday, January 13, 2014
A little scare...but we're ok!
Last Wednesday I had my daughter Emma in her high chair ready to eat breakfast. Hunter was dancing around me asking for another glass of milk "Yes Hunter as soon as I feed Emma ok?" Emma had been sick for the past few days with a bad cold and Jason and I were up frequently with her at night. I started to feed Emma when I had that dreaded feeling every pregnant woman has a heart attack over... Warm discharge. Too warm. This felt like blood. I closed my eyes and said "Please God no..please no..." and I looked and sure enough I was bleeding. It was actually more than just spotting. I told myself to calm down, to focus, and I called my Dr. They asked me to come in for an Ultrasound and to check the bleeding. My friend Margie came over to watch my kids (she is another saint.) And I got in my car to drive to San Ramon.
I am going to take a short detour here and explain a moment that happened to me while I was getting blood taken to check my HCG numbers weeks ago... A moment where God stepped in and showed me, in a slap you in the face kind of way...that He was with me and all was in His hands. My numbers were slow to rise, and this was concerning at the time to my nurse. She asked me to come back in a third time for another blood draw. I got down on my knees the morning of the draw and prayed in full body asking God for comfort and for his will to match mine, and my IPs. I had the blood taken and got in my car to drive home. I began to pray again (I talk to God frequently), and mid-prayer, while stopped at a red light, I looked to my right and saw a plain white bus with IM's company logo on it... no other markings on the entire bus...just the one logo I know to be tied to her, and her life. I wont go into detail obviously of what the logo is, but just know that it would be EXTREMELY rare to see it, on a plain bus.. sitting right beside me..in a moment when I was praying about her and her baby. I sat with my mouth open, and goosebumps ran across my arm. I started to laugh because moments where God pops in to say "I'm here..I hear you." and for them to be so obvious are rare. I treasured that moment of comfort. That night I found out my number trippled.
On the way to my Ultrasound after bleeding I kept thinking about that moment at the stoplight when I saw the bus. "Why would God show me something so obvious if this wasn't going to work out?" I thought to myself. The ultrasound showed me a tiny beating heart at 113 bmp (beats per minute). I breathed a sigh of relief, but the Dr saw some blood above the sack inside my uterus. I would need to be on rest for a few days. Margie stayed the rest of the day with my kids (bless her heart) and then my husband took off of work the next day to help me. I went in again today (Monday) and the baby is even bigger, and the heart rate was now 145!! Yay!! The dr said the bleeding might have been from blood vessels inside the uterus, but she doesnt see it being a problem anymore as the baby will likely grow into the remaining blood and absorb it into the wall. I felt so much better and still have some help coming about 3 times a week with the kids. I will be able to rest, and nap. IM has been such a blessing and so involved with helping me, she sent me groceries to my house the other day! I almost cried.. it was so generous and thoughtful of her. I have my last ultrasound and meeting with Dr Weckstein on the 20th and then I will be released to my own dr at Kaiser. Still need to pick one. I have a NP (nurse practitioner) right now, but I want an actual OB. I have received some wonderful recommendations from my mommy friends on a Facebook Mom board. They have all been very helpful advice.
I am going to take a short detour here and explain a moment that happened to me while I was getting blood taken to check my HCG numbers weeks ago... A moment where God stepped in and showed me, in a slap you in the face kind of way...that He was with me and all was in His hands. My numbers were slow to rise, and this was concerning at the time to my nurse. She asked me to come back in a third time for another blood draw. I got down on my knees the morning of the draw and prayed in full body asking God for comfort and for his will to match mine, and my IPs. I had the blood taken and got in my car to drive home. I began to pray again (I talk to God frequently), and mid-prayer, while stopped at a red light, I looked to my right and saw a plain white bus with IM's company logo on it... no other markings on the entire bus...just the one logo I know to be tied to her, and her life. I wont go into detail obviously of what the logo is, but just know that it would be EXTREMELY rare to see it, on a plain bus.. sitting right beside me..in a moment when I was praying about her and her baby. I sat with my mouth open, and goosebumps ran across my arm. I started to laugh because moments where God pops in to say "I'm here..I hear you." and for them to be so obvious are rare. I treasured that moment of comfort. That night I found out my number trippled.
On the way to my Ultrasound after bleeding I kept thinking about that moment at the stoplight when I saw the bus. "Why would God show me something so obvious if this wasn't going to work out?" I thought to myself. The ultrasound showed me a tiny beating heart at 113 bmp (beats per minute). I breathed a sigh of relief, but the Dr saw some blood above the sack inside my uterus. I would need to be on rest for a few days. Margie stayed the rest of the day with my kids (bless her heart) and then my husband took off of work the next day to help me. I went in again today (Monday) and the baby is even bigger, and the heart rate was now 145!! Yay!! The dr said the bleeding might have been from blood vessels inside the uterus, but she doesnt see it being a problem anymore as the baby will likely grow into the remaining blood and absorb it into the wall. I felt so much better and still have some help coming about 3 times a week with the kids. I will be able to rest, and nap. IM has been such a blessing and so involved with helping me, she sent me groceries to my house the other day! I almost cried.. it was so generous and thoughtful of her. I have my last ultrasound and meeting with Dr Weckstein on the 20th and then I will be released to my own dr at Kaiser. Still need to pick one. I have a NP (nurse practitioner) right now, but I want an actual OB. I have received some wonderful recommendations from my mommy friends on a Facebook Mom board. They have all been very helpful advice.
Monday, January 6, 2014
The Ultrasound
I was so anxious the night before my Ultrasound. I was glad to have the season premiere of Downton Abby to watch and get my mind off of feeling anxious and excited. This morning my friend Nicole came over to watch the kids and I zipped into the shower to take a quick one before my appointment. My Grandma called me to ask if I would like her to give me a ride to my appointment and I was so happy to have someone to nervously chat with while I waited for the ultrasound instead of nervously picking my fingers til they bled. I have a habit of doing that. :/
We got to the clinic early so we popped into Starbucks to grab a quick coffee before the appointment. I ordered my Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte but this time it was decaf. I got myself off of caffeine for the pregnancy. Its healthier to be off of it completely even though the Dr says I can have up to 200mg of caffeine a day. I would rather just end it completely. It was nice spending the time with my Grandma, we don't get a lot of time just the two of us anymore with my little ones, so the calm conversation and harmless gossip was warmly welcomed.
The clinic waiting room felt like a Scandanavian sweat house. I was wearing a turtleneck and a sweater and drinking hot coffee while nervous though, so that might have been part of it. I was called back into the room and disrobed from the waste down for the vaginal ultrasound. The baby is too small to see well from an abdominal ultrasound yet. I got out my camera to video the ultrasound for the IPs. I was so excited to see one very healthy baby and the Dr was so nice to explain what everything was in the video, and I even got a video of the heartbeat! He said I am 6 weeks 2 days and and Due September 1st 2014.
I was so so excited. Even though this is not my first pregnancy, it is my IP's first child. So all of the excitement that comes along with the first is happening again for me! I will say that I definitely notice a major difference with this pregnancy emotionally. With my own children I felt a spiritual and emotional bond from the moment I saw two lines on the pregnancy test. With this pregnancy, even after seeing a heartbeat, I don't feel that emotional or spiritual bond that I felt with my own babies. Which is GOOD!! I don't want to feel bonded to a baby that is not mine. I'm just casually observant of the fact that this surrogacy is very different from a natural pregnancy where the child is genetically mine. I am nothing but overjoyed for my IPs.. I sent IF the videos of the ultrasound and can't wait to hear from IM (she was asleep when I sent them) what she thinks!!
My Grandma was so excited to have been there to see the ultrasound. Its so fascinating, and different.
Now I go back in on Jan 20th for my 8 week ultrasound and then I will be released to my Kasier OB for the duration of the pregnancy. Yay!!
We got to the clinic early so we popped into Starbucks to grab a quick coffee before the appointment. I ordered my Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte but this time it was decaf. I got myself off of caffeine for the pregnancy. Its healthier to be off of it completely even though the Dr says I can have up to 200mg of caffeine a day. I would rather just end it completely. It was nice spending the time with my Grandma, we don't get a lot of time just the two of us anymore with my little ones, so the calm conversation and harmless gossip was warmly welcomed.
The clinic waiting room felt like a Scandanavian sweat house. I was wearing a turtleneck and a sweater and drinking hot coffee while nervous though, so that might have been part of it. I was called back into the room and disrobed from the waste down for the vaginal ultrasound. The baby is too small to see well from an abdominal ultrasound yet. I got out my camera to video the ultrasound for the IPs. I was so excited to see one very healthy baby and the Dr was so nice to explain what everything was in the video, and I even got a video of the heartbeat! He said I am 6 weeks 2 days and and Due September 1st 2014.
I was so so excited. Even though this is not my first pregnancy, it is my IP's first child. So all of the excitement that comes along with the first is happening again for me! I will say that I definitely notice a major difference with this pregnancy emotionally. With my own children I felt a spiritual and emotional bond from the moment I saw two lines on the pregnancy test. With this pregnancy, even after seeing a heartbeat, I don't feel that emotional or spiritual bond that I felt with my own babies. Which is GOOD!! I don't want to feel bonded to a baby that is not mine. I'm just casually observant of the fact that this surrogacy is very different from a natural pregnancy where the child is genetically mine. I am nothing but overjoyed for my IPs.. I sent IF the videos of the ultrasound and can't wait to hear from IM (she was asleep when I sent them) what she thinks!!
My Grandma was so excited to have been there to see the ultrasound. Its so fascinating, and different.
Now I go back in on Jan 20th for my 8 week ultrasound and then I will be released to my Kasier OB for the duration of the pregnancy. Yay!!
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