Loss and Surrogacy

On the morning of December 14th, I woke up to use the restroom and discovered I was bleeding. "Oh crap.." I said to myself as my daughter twirled around the bathroom since she followed me there as she always does. "Whats wrong mommy?" she asked. "Oh its nothing..just a little bleeding but this always happens to me. Its ok." But I wasn't convinced everything was ok.

I texted my IPs, and finished getting my kids ready and headed to work. I emailed my nurses and waited patiently for a call. At around 10:30am after still having not heard from the office, I called and put in an emergency request for the Dr to call me. About 15 mins later I got a call from the nurses saying to stop Aspirin and Lovenox and I asked if I could be seen for an ultrasound. They were able to fit me in at 11:30am. I jumped in my car and headed to the appointment. At the ultrasound we could see Thumper's heartbeat, (the nickname we came up for him at his first heartbeat confirmation ultrasound.) He was flickering away and the Dr said his growth looked good. The only problem we could see was that his heartbeat was a little lower than normal. It was beating at 83BPM instead of the 120 it was a week ago. This was concerning but all we could do was wait. I still had an ultrasound appointment on the following Tuesday so we would check back in a few days. I went back to work and finished the workday.

When I got home, things continued to get worse. I passed a liver-sized blood clot and almost passed out I was so shocked. I called for Jason and we decided I needed to go to the ER. Jason called my mom and she came into my bedroom while I got ready. "Sweetie, are you ok?" and I started to sob. "No I'm not ok..this feels like a miscarriage. I've had bleeding mom, but this...this is different. This feels like before." "Before" being my first miscarriage I had in 2009 with the baby I was pregnant with before I had Hunter. We drove to the ER.. I was now bleeding so much it was soaking a pad every 30 mins-1hour. I couldn't even sit down for the Triage. They called me back and ordered blood work and an ultrasound. My IPs were on their way from SF, and wanted to be with me. They were very clear to me that they were there for my health. They were there to be supportive of me no matter what the outcome would be. I was called back to the ultrasound and it was an uncomfortable, and silent 20 minutes. My IM sat by my feet, watching the screen, looking for a flicker, movement, anything. Every now and then I would look over hopefully at her and she would shrug as if to say "I can't see anything.. it doesn't look good." We all sat in the waiting room, waiting to be walked back to my new room, in silence. No one felt very hopeful at that point. My IPs were hugging, my mom sat next to me, our heads touching, as we just felt empty.

The Dr came into my exam room, she was pregnant (sigh....), and she told us all that they did not find a heartbeat. I felt like the room went fuzzy, it felt like in the movies, when you can barely hear or remember anything else they say. I just remember nodding, and then everyone leaving so she could examine me for hemorrhaging. "Why did you become a surrogate?" she gently asked me as she pulled her gloves on and rolled closely next to me. I answered my short answer, about how women like my IM try for years, and how if I am capable of helping, then I should. But then the tears started to flow.. "...but I guess not this time. It's just another let down for her." My Dr rolled even clower and she looked me in the eyes. "Hey..No...now you listen to me. YOU have done something amazing for her. You gave her hope. Sometimes even when we have the best of everything and the healthiest embryo..sometimes things just don't work out, but you have done something selfless and incredible, and I am just in awe of that." Then she squeezed my arm gently. When she left, my IPs came back into the room, and I started crying saying "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry.." and they both hugged me from either side, our arms wrapped around each other. IM was apologizing to me, and aI was apologizing to her. We laughed at how sorry we both were to each other, and hugged again. I told them they should go home, since it was 1am and I knew they were exhausted and sad. There was nothing to do now but wait for my body to begin the natural process of expelling Thumper's remains.

Jason stayed home with me on Friday, and brought Hunter to school. I had Jason bring my secret Santa gifts, and the gifts for my team at work. I was very sore, and very tired, and very sad. But the bleeding had stopped. I was worried that my body was going to try to hold on to this pregnancy the way it did in 2009 when they had to give me medication to get things moving. On Saturday, Jason and the kids and I all went to the Dickens Fair. We laughed and ate cinnamon almonds, Emma and I even danced the waltz! I had such a fun time, it was a nice break from the pain of everything, and I also hoped that all the walking would get things moving again.. I was right. At 5pm on our way home, the pain of labor began. It was quick and a milder replica of actual labor. I couldn't sit still, I had to move. I tried laying in bed, but I was cold, and clammy and dizzy. I decided to start the shower to help with the back labor pains. I turned on my "Relax" playlist, filled with calming piano tunes, and crouched down in the shower while the hot water hit my lower back. I took long deep breaths, and worked through the pain. Jason would come in and periodically check on me. I could tell the pain was changing and I breathed more slowly before I delivered Thumper's lifeless tiny body into my hands. I sat in shock. Holding him. I started to weep, apologizing and sitting there, unsure of what to do with him. Where to put him. I called for Jason. Jason crouched down with me and held me.. "Where do I put him? I have to put him somewhere.." Jason went to get a plastic bag, and we wrapped him in the bag and covered the bag nicely with tissue paper. Jason brought him gently to my bed while I finished showering and dried off. When I went to turn off my music, I noticed the song that played while I delivered him was titled "Life and Death." Ironic. After discussing with my IPs what their wishes were, and talking to Jason about what we should do, we decided to bury Thumper's tiny remains. We laid him down, I covered his body in offerings of tobacco and sage, and we covered the earth over him. The next day I cut flowers, and made a bouquet and placed a single white feather and tied it all with a red ribbon on top of his grave.

This whole experience was traumatic and difficult, but it strengthened in me the desire to continue to help couples have a child. Whatever my IPs decide to do moving forward is up to them, and I am fully supportive of whatever decision they make. I am here, and ready to help if they call upon me, and if not, I am ready to help the next couple God sends to me. No matter what, I am at the ready to do Creator's will.

The Transfer

On November 10th 2017 ( The Marine Corps Birthday as my husband told everyone..) we had our embryo transfer! I got there at 11:30am, and started all the paperwork. It was relatively simple and fast. We verified that we would be implanting only one embryo, and got to see the photo of the little boy. His embryo was already "hatching" as they call it, which is the stage before the amniotic sack is formed. It was so cool to see that!! You could even see the small cluster of cells that would eventually form into the baby. Science is freaking amazing, bottom line.

I dressed in my gowns and hair net, wore my super fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm, and sat in a small room with a nice warm heater. It was all about keeping me warm and relaxed. I walked into the procedure room and IM and IF were already seated and gowned, ready to be with me while their baby was placed in my womb. IM chatted with me pleasantly about life as we waited for the Dr to place the catheter, and then for the embryologist to bring in their little boy. He was place into my womb like "A poppy seed in a jar of peanut butter." as my nurse put it. We all laughed at that.

After the procedure was done, no pain or discomfort for me at all, I used the bathroom and lay down for 30 minutes with a tube that had warm air pumping right into my bed. Kept me very warm and relaxed. I had a cup of tea and we all chatted about our families and life. My IPs are so amazing. IM had a moment where she wanted me to know that whatever the outcome of this transfer, she was beyond grateful to me and to my family. IM had the pain of going through 17 failed transfers, I definitely understood her worry and also her deep gratitude, but I was so hopeful for them.

After the 30 minutes they walked me down to Jason's truck that waited for me outside. They gave me a gift bag filled with goodies including tea and a rose plant! They even gave my mom a bag of chocolates since I would be spending my 24 hour bedrest at her house. Much quieter and relaxing there than at my own home. Haha!

I am now 8 days past my transfer and have had positive pregnancy tests since 6 days!!!! YAY!!! Tomorrow is my first blood beta where they know my exact number for HCG count. I can't wait to report high numbers!

Play Date at the Park

Today my new IPs met us at a local park. I had a matinee showing of my play at 2:30, so we made our park play date for 10:30am. This was the first time we would see each other in person. The first time we met was over FaceTime on our phones. I could see IF and their son walking on the dirt path ahead of us as Jason and the kids and I walked over from the parking lot. They had baseball caps on, and were watching the drones flying around an obstacle course someone set up on the large field at the park. I could see IM, and she must have sensed us coming because she turned, her blond hair whipping slightly in the breeze, and waved joyfully at us. I waved back. Hunter was on Jason's shoulders and Emma held onto my hand and to a stick she gathered along our way.

As soon as we saw each other we embraced. I introduced Hunter to their son, and soon the kids were off running on the playground. My IPs brought us a bag of fresh pastries from their local bakery, and fruit from their farmers market. It was so sweet of them, and the croissants were crispy and flakey on the outside and light and fluffy as clouds on the inside.

We talked about life, halloween plans, kindergarten, 1st grade, how Jason and I met, family on all our sides in Minnesota, city living, and all kinds of stuff. We talked about the IVF process, and hospitals. It was so fantastic because there was not even 1 uncomfortable moment. No time where I thought to myself "what on earth do I say next?" Finally at about 12:20 I said we needed to go so I could prepare for my call time at the theater of 1pm. We hugged and said our goodbyes at our cars, and look forward to seeing each other again many times. Its a beautiful beginning to another incredible surrogacy.

When you know, you know.

Last week I was having a really tough time. Summer is coming to a close, and we are getting ready to head back to school and my work, and along with that comes stress. My son has been struggling with his Tourettes, and on Thursday it all just kind of had me in an exhausted funk. Luckily my mom, who was setting up her Kindergarten classroom for the year, needed help so I packed up my kiddos and we spent the day playing and organizing in her room. While I was there I got a phone call that said "SAI calling.." my agency!! I answered and sure enough there was Ann with that tone of voice I always knew to mean "I have something exciting to tell you.." Sure enough she had a profile to send me! The second she told me the IPs names, my arms covered in goosebumps, and if you're a long time reader of my blogs you know that I attribute those goosebumps to mean that the Holy Spirit is near by. I imagine the warmth of the spirit near me jumping up and down silently going "Oooo just wait Corinne, it's gunna be good."I laughed and told Ann "You could honestly just send the profile b/c I already have a really good feeling about them." I waited a few minutes for my email to go *bing*, and then opened their PDF file that had beautiful photos of the couple, their young son who is Hunter's age, and their incredible story of how they have come to need my help. I read the whole thing all the way through and didn't need more than a half second to think "Yes..this feels right." We set up a Facetime meeting for Saturday the 12th at 1:30, and I knew it was going to be good.

This morning before my meeting with the new IPs, Jason packed up the kids and Max (our dog) and headed out for a day of hiking. That way I could talk to them uninterrupted, and have some time alone to think about my conversation after we were done. At 1:30 on the dot they called and I were all 3 smiles and hellos. It was fantastic, the whole conversation flowed very naturally and easily. Nothing felt forced. We talked about my previous surrogacies, and how different they were. We talked about what my expectations as a surrogate were in terms of communications, medical care etc. We talked about what our kids loved, and about school starting soon. We ended the conversation and must have emailed Ann at the same time, agreeing to move forward together!! So I guess you could say, as we do in the surrogacy world..

It's a match!!

Journey number 3 has begun. <3

The breath before the plunge.

Have you ever stood at the edge of a large rock, with the intent of jumping into a lake? Or perhaps the edge of a pool, or on a cliff above a swimming hole? Wherever you jumped from, do you recall the moment before you leapt?

I can imagine the pause before the plunge. My toes moving slightly in the dust of the rock beneath me, my eyes surveying the large body of water and people near me before I took that final deep breath and leapt into the air, physically and metaphorically giving up control of what happens next, and relying entirely on the laws of gravity and the protection of a creator to guide me to safety.

I always imagine the time before I am matched with a new couple like this. My paperwork is all now fully submitted, and today was when I was notified that my profile was now considered active to receive matches. This moment for me is such a positive and fun exercise in faith. I have no idea who will be sent to me, and that idea is somewhat thrilling! I really aim to open myself up completely to Creator in these moments and allow him to use me entirely for whomever he knows needs my help. It's a feeling that's hard to describe. I've learned how to understand God's methods of communication with me. I felt it when I read my first set of IP's profile..and again when I read the profile for my last IFs. It's this overwhelming and undeniable feeling of "YES." and now I know how to hear it.

So today is day 1! Any day now I can find out that there is a couple interested in asking me for assistance. I love it, and I have grown to enjoy the uncertainty. Looking back on my past posts I always talk about how hard this part is. It's interesting to see how my view of this transition point has changed since 2013. I can't believe I've been doing surrogacy for 4 years...3 babies. This is such a blessing. I can't wait!!

In the words of DJ Khaled..."Another one."

Hi there..it's me, and I'm doing another surrogacy.

"Wait...is she serious? She's going to do ANOTHER surrogacy?"

That's right people. I'm on the journey to another surrogacy. I wanted to write this blog because of a few reasons, mainly because I want to explain why I'm back.

I've decided that I'm not ever going to say "I'm done" ever again. Why? Because it commits myself to an idea that I feel in a moment, in a season, and I may change my mind. Which I've done. ;)

I would love to do a sibling journey for any of my previous surrogate parents, but I don't believe any of them are at a point in their family lives where they want that and so no..I don't believe this is a sibling journey. I wanted to carry for another Gay couple again, but now that my profile is submitted, I am open to whomever Creator sends to me.

Ive had two children of my own, three surrogate babies, and now I want to do another one. I am requesting only a single embryo transfer this time only because twins was SO hard on my body and my family. I LOVE my surrogate twins and I'm so happy I had the experience, but I now know I cannot do it again. I'm also waiting to do the transfer until late October or November so I can have the baby over summer and not miss work. So here I am.. ready to bring a soul earth side. I already feel like it will be a boy. Lets see how it goes eh?!

Welcome back to the ride...