Twins... two babies. Two human children inside me at the same time. *blink blink*
The thought didn't scare me as much when they were the size of raspberries, or plumbs, or....peaches.....oh crap. They're going to be two fully formed and fully to term babies inside my belly at the end of these 40 weeks!!
I get huge with my pregnancies, so I'm honestly a little confused about where this extra child is supposed to fit. I'm already riddled with stretch marks. My belly looks like a white striped tiger from my son's pregnancy so I'm not exactly concerned about how the stretch marks will look. I'm already positive I will get more. I'm more concerned about what it will be like to just exist..on a couch...with TWO BABIES INSIDE ME... Is anyone else having a Peg+Cat moment and "Tooootally freeeaaaking out!!!???"
Ok its ok.. I'm fine. I can do this. My husband tells me all the time, I'm made for baking babies. Its one of the gifts I was given and I am using it for others. I can do this. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't more nervous with this pregnancy than any of my others.
Then the what ifs come.. What if something happened to me and I lost my life? My babies...Emma and Hunter, they would be devastated, and Jason would be raising our family alone.
What if I had to be on bed rest for weeks, or stuck in the hospital? I would be totally dependent on others to help my family with our kids etc.
What if I ended up needing a c-section (which terrifies me btw)...
So many of these fears and worries are new to me with this twin pregnancy. Women die in childbirth. It happens even today.. so the fear (though buried deep in most pregnant women) is still there.
I thought of all of these fears when deciding if I wanted to be a surrogate..when deciding if I was ok with implanting two embryos...I assessed and talked about it all with Jason. I get it. I'm still ready to do this for IF#1 and IF#2 because family is everything. They have become family...and now they will be their very own family. I'm willing to risk all of it, to bring these babies to their daddies.
...just....hold my hand and hug me if I say I'm feeling a little scared ok? If I look like internally I'm starting to scream and freak out. Just say "hey...corinne... you got this." and squeeze me hard...but not too hard because I barely have breathing room as it is. ;)