Wednesday, March 18, 2015

When one door closes...kick it open!!

Where do I begin... This week has been an intense roller coaster of emotions for me. On Monday a woman who has become my dear friend at SAI had to call and deliver some not so fabulous news to me. The clinic in San Francisco that my IFs work with denied me as a suitable surrogate based on the fact that I had the Essure coils in my fallopian tubes. The procedure was done in November and was the means by which I decided to have my "tubes tied." I was assured multiple times and even in writing by my Dr. that I would still be able to carry a baby as a surrogate after the procedure. I decided to go ahead with the Essure, and now have learned that the Essure is the sole thing preventing me from being a surrogate again.

When Ann called me, I broke down. I fell to the kitchen floor and bawled. I cried for my IFs, I cried for my previous IPs who might have wanted me to carry a second child for them in the future, and I cried for myself. The one thing I wanted out of this whole few months of pain and recovery from the procedure was now ripped from me. I felt violated. I felt lied to. I was angry, and heart broken. My son hugged me when he saw me crying in the kitchen and asked why I was so upset. I told him "It's because someone lied to mommy and it hurts when you find out someone said something that turns out to not be true." He hugged me tighter. He asked me to help him find his hammer, and I was still in a state of shock, but I got up and started looking for his toy hammer for him. All I kept thinking was "I need to find his hammer..thank God I have something else to focus on." and I remember feeling sad when I found it, because now I needed to find something else to keep my mind busy. The entire day was filled with crying and numbness....and then the love poured in. Boy did it pour in... I started getting texts, emails, messages on FB, comments, calls from people who loved me and who had armed themselves with solutions. I couldn't believe it.

One of the places suggested to me was a surgeon in North Carolina who was skilled at removing the Essure coils!! This friend had a sister in law that went there and even had a successful pregnancy after her coils were removed! It felt as if a ray of light seared its way into my darkness and said "Get up..this isn't over." I started doing research, hundreds upon hundreds of cases where Essure malfunctioned, or caused permanent damage. I knew these things and to come out. I wouldn't feel safe carrying a baby for someone else with these things in... I only wish my Dr. had discussed these very serious risks with me beforehand.

I spoke on the phone with my IFs and it was an emotional conversation. I don't know when I can be scheduled for this surgery, and I have a feeling they will need to find a different surrogate as I also don't have a gaurantee that the surgery will be successful and I can't ask them to wait an indefinite amount of time.

The good news is that my IFs can still become parents, and I will (after this surgery, and if successful) be able to carry a baby as a surrogate again!!! An angel who shall remain anonymous has stepped in to help and is paying for my surgery!! I now need to come up with the money for my flights and Hotel stay. Please, if you feel compelled, the link to donate is below. Know that your prayers for me mean just as much if not more than your monetary support. I will keep you all updated as this continues.. My love to you all. I'm not done yet..

Here is the link to my gofundme page...

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