Saturday, February 17, 2018

When the wound became too great..

Last week, my Intended Parents decided that the hurt from yet another loss was too great for them to attempt another try at surrogacy. They called me, and I walked outside to me van (to get some privacy from my loud kids) and I let them speak. I was meant to listen, and to let them work through some tough emotions.

I cannot imagine what it feels like to come so close to a happy ending, only to lose it again. I guess I have sort of an understanding, but really, their pain in this started years before I came into the picture.  I may have suffered the physical aspects of the loss, but they were dealt another blow that was in addition to all the other losses and dashed hopes that brought them to me in the first place.

I told my IPs that I was here for them as long as they needed. My IM and I grew close, so we both promised to go out for a glass of wine together sometime, and that they fully supported me in being matched again with someone else. Part of me fears that seeing me pregnant for someone else will add to their pain as well, so I am letting the decision to reach out be theirs. I don't want them to hurt anymore.

As a healer, someone who's soul thrives on bringing life to others, this decision left me with very 3 dimensional emotions. I felt guilty that I couldnt bring them their happy ending, but also connected with creator in knowing that not all healing is meant to come through answered prayer. Perhaps it is His will that their healing comes from finding hope in each other, and that I cannot be a part of that story.

At the BAAITS powwow of San Francisco, I jingle dress danced with their names in my medicine bag. I wrote it with a shaky hand and folded the piece of paper up and tucked it close to my heart as the drums began beating in the open halls of Fort Mason. I danced in the circle, and closed my eyes, sending up their names and thanking Creator for letting me be a part of their life's journey.

Now I await Creator to send me to another loving couple, so that I can be the warm and loving space for their baby to grow. Again I am in the excitement, looking forward to that number on my phone I know to be my friend Ann, calling me with a couple she knows I can help. The best feeling in the world. W'aku wiconi...Gives others life. I am ready Creator.

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