"Preparing the canvas"

My mother is an artist. She has painted on China, in Watercolor, drawn in pencil, in charcoal, and pastels. These are some of my favorite art pieces that she created, and that I own.

As a child, I grew up with her at home (which was a blessing) and she taught China Painting at our house in her art room through the City of Sunnyvale. I was raised with Children's books on Monet, and Renoir. I could look at a painting and say "That's Salvador Dahli." and could describe the technique with which Vincent Van Gough used for his paintings. There were certain phrases that as I child I heard often. "Preparing the canvas" was one of them. My mom was not a huge oil painter, her medium of choice moved with her interests. She enjoyed painting in Watercolor as I journeyed into my early teens. She spent a lot of time "preparing" various canvases, and this morning as I swallowed my Pre-natal vitamin in preparation for becoming pregnant I was reminded of that phrase.

I am, in a way, preparing the canvas for pregnancy. Now I don't mean to infer that as a Pregnant woman I will see myself as some sort of work of Art...that seems rather vain. I intend the phrase to be interpreted as my body will host something beautiful and must be cared for in preparation for that beauty to be at it's best. The beauty being a baby. I have upped my daily glasses of water to hydrate myself better, taking a prenatal vitamin and  have been eating healthier. Not much I can do about the amount of sleep I'm getting with a teething 10 month old, but I think I'll survive.

Next on my surrogacy schedule is wait for my next period. Once my period starts I call the Fertility Clinic and receive all of my medication and instructions. In the mean time, I am continuing to prepare my canvas for pregnancy. I am also very excited to attend the Retreat in Los Angeles coming up. :) It will be fun to meet all the other surrogate mothers and hear from them about their experiences so far.

Here we go!! :)

You know that moment when you're on a roller coaster, all strapped in, and the car slowly tick tick ticks it's way up to the top of the very tall hill? The anticipation as you get higher and higher builds as the car finally levels at the top, almost seeming to stop, before gravity and momentum pulls the car forward and you begin the journey on the rest of the roller coaster.

I am at the top of the hill you guys, about to begin my incredible, fun, and whirlwind of a journey in this surrogacy roller coaster.. I have the final draft of my Surrogacy contract IN HAND, and will be signing it tomorrow with a Notary who is coming to our house to fill out all the paperwork.

My Period started yesterday, so as soon as I turn this paperwork into my attorney I can go get my estrogen pills to begin building the lining of my uterus. Once everything is lined, I will schedule my transfer and a few days before my transfer, begin the Progesterone shots in my hip every day for the next 3 months I believe. (I find out for sure when I get all the medication so I can have a more accurate description of all that when I get it.)

I'm going to get emotional here for a second. (This will happen a lot you guys..) I have dreamed about his journey for a very long time. To be able to help IF (Intended Father) and IM (Intended Mother) is the most incredible blessing. They have told me on several occasions how grateful they are, but I cannot express how grateful I am to THEM! To allow me the honor of helping them to have their first child. Words cannot express the complete and tangible joy that brings to my soul. Their child will forever be a glow around my heart because I will be able to help God to create a family! Their child will be born in their hearts..IS born in their hearts, and has lived there since the day they desired to have him/her. I am just the package their baby will be wrapped in, growing, and getting ready to finally be placed in their arms. It's a strange emotion, a strange feeling, to feel a soul waiting to come to earth, standing in the wings. This is all really happening. Please send your prayers to whichever God you believe in, or if you believe in no God, send positive energy into the world with IF and IM in mind as we get ready for a transfer hopefully in a few weeks! Pray or hope for the embryo to nestle comfortably and healthy for the next 9 months. :)

How to handle "those" comments...

"You're going to carry someone else's baby?? Isn't it going to be difficult to give up the baby?"

"WHY would you be willing to carry a baby for a gay couple when there are plenty of deserving straight couples??"

"Why don't they just adopt?"

"If infertile people can't have babies, maybe it's because God didn't want them to have a child."

Ok.... Now that your blood is boiling...take a minute to breathe. Let it out slowly. If you are a surrogate mother, or planning on becoming one, or even thinking about becoming a surrogate and have talked to people about it, you may have heard any of the above comments in some way shape or form.

Its upsetting. It hurts. You stand there for a minute with your mouth agape and your brain says "Did they REALLY just say that?" If you're anything like me, your first instinct is to try and dismiss what they said. Maybe they didn't mean it to come out as offensive as it did. Perhaps their thoughts were like word-vomit and they just couldn't stop it before they had a chance to think about it's effect on me. Or worse..maybe they did, and they don't care.

I've had a lot of emails from women asking me how I handle these types of comments. I have had time to analyze people and the comments made to me about my upcoming surrogacy and the one thing I have found to be a common factor is that the person with the strongest opinions generally have the least amount of knowledge regarding surrogacy. Part of why I am keeping this blog is to educate those around me as to the process of surrogacy both the medical aspects and the emotional aspects because there is not a lot of literature out there about it. At least not from the intimacy of the woman going through the surrogacy.

The first time someone said to me "I could never give up a baby after carrying it for 9 months..I don't know how you're going to be able to do it." my first thought internally was "Well it's a good thing it's me doing this then, and not you." Obviously I didn't say that out loud because I realized a split second later, that they were just NOW forming their opinion about surrogacy where as I had spent years thinking about it and deciding if I wanted to do it. There was one occasion where I did actually get angry and say something similar to that, but that was after giving this person several chances to redeem themselves. :/ I am no longer friends with that individual, and am happier for it. My advice to the mothers reading this blog who are in surrogacy, or considering it is this... "Opinions change with new information." Take an internal moment after that initial statement to breathe, then educate. Say as much about the process as you are comfortable baring, and your reasons why you want to be a surrogate. Often times the person listening will be taken aback and feel a change in their opinion. They may say "Wow..that's really incredible of you." or...they may not. If they choose either to not listen to you or to not care, distance yourself from that situation. Lord knows if you are already pregnant your hormones are going crazy anyways. Choose love. Love them and allow them to disagree, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to it constantly. I always settle for a pleasant smile and "Ok..thank you for your opinion." and then walk away. Followed by maybe a little zen meditation, or a quick call to my mom to vent. HAHA!

The world is filled with people, each person going through their own struggles, coming from their own upbringing and exposures to life.  Social media has given each one of those person's a microphone with which to shout their opinions at the world. Sometimes it is best to put your speakers on mute, and just let it be.


As a small update on my personal surrogacy, I am still waiting for my contract to be finalized for me to review and sign. :) Love to all of you!

Saline Sonogram

Today I went in for my Saline Sonogram where they insert a catheter into my uterus and inject saline solution to see the inside of my uterus and make sure there is no scar tissue, or tumors or anything unusual. I went by myself today to the appointment, and was told that Jason and my blood results came back great!! I am Hep B immune and all my blood work came back normal.

The saline sonogram was interesting. They inserted a catheter through my cervix and injected the saline and I could see my uterus expand on the monitor. It was really cool. I didnt even feel the catheter when it was inserted. It was over all a very pain free process.The only difference during the actual transfer is that the embryos will be in the saline next time.  The Dr said my Uterus was beautiful and looked text book. It was an odd compliment but I'll take what I can get. Mainly it made feel excited that I would be able to provide a nice plush warm place for Intended Father and Intended Mother's baby to grow healthy!!

The whole way home I kept thinking, "This is really happening!" I've now been psychologically and medically cleared for this process to continue. Its becoming a reality. I can only imagine the excitement that Intended Father and Intended Mother must be feeling now that they know that things are really picking up! I expect a call from my Lawyer this week or next sometime to go over the drafted contracts, and then once they are signed I begin my Estrogen pills etc.

I've begun thinking up fun ways to tell my IP's (Intended Parents) when I get pregnant. Pinterest is good for things like that. :)

Needle Pricks, Ultrasounds and lots and lots of information. (TMI??)

This is going to have a lot of the medical side to the consultation appointment so if you are squeemish about medical facts and natural human reproductive things DONT read any further..because I wont be censoring  anything.

Today was my appointment with the Reproductive Science Center in San Ramon. Jason and I had an appointment at 8:30am and (surprise surprise) we were running late. My friend Nicole came over at 7:30 to watch the kids, and I scrambled to get everything together and make sure I had all of the paperwork before leaving the house. I called the Dr at 8:20 to let them know we would be late. We got there at 8:45 and were sent to the blood lab. I gave a urine sample (the bathroom was chocked full of porn by the way...ahhh! Was not expecting it to be just laying out but...whatever. I'm no prude...anymore.) Jason gave blood and then I gave 6 vials. Basically they were testing for everything to make sure I was healthy and not deficient of anything. Then Jason and I met with our Nurse Practitioner Chris. She was so very nice and extremely patient and informative. She explained the entire process in detail. She explained the medication I would be taking and when I should begin taking it.

After my next period begins, I start taking an estrogen pill every day. Then 3 days before the embryo transfer Jason will give me one progesterone shot per day right in my rump. Ow! I will continue the shot every day for the next 7 weeks. I will also have a vaginal pill that I insert twice daily. (That was new to me... hadn't expected that one.) I will be on baby asprin every day and also on prenatal vitimins. :) Its a lot, but I can do it!! No problem.

After our questions with Chris the NP, we went to do the ultrasound. My ovaries were measured, but because I am still having some bleeding from my current period we were unable to do the saline mock transfer and she was unable to be sure my uterus was clear of pollups or scar tissue, so I go back in on Monday for another ultrasound.

Jason and I were starving after the appointment so we sat and had a nice lunch at Burger King. I haven't eaten there in forever! I told him I think the last time I ate at a Burger King was when we picked up some of his buddies from the Palm Springs Airport after his pre-deployment leave and shoved three marines and a terrified new marine wife in a truck with broken air conditioning.Cozy.

I was very happy to come home to find two happy babies, and a package from my friend Paula of her Renn Faire clothes she is lending me to wear to the Faire that is in town! I am so excited to go again.. it's been years since I have been there and I plan on enjoying a nice cold beer in costume at 10am... It will be the last drink I have for the next year or so. :) I'm excited for the next step in this surrogacy process.. Ultrasound on monday..then contracts!! Yay!

Frustrations..they happen.

Thank God for Michelle from SAI, she is keeping me sane and probably shielding me from even more frustrations with a certain individual at the Fertility Clinic I am working with for this transfer. There is a woman at the clinic..I'll call her "J", who is handling my paperwork and supposedly gathering my medical files so that she can schedule me for an appointment to come in and get screened and passed medically for this surrogacy. Well... I say supposedly because she has emailed both myself and Michelle asking US to get all of the paperwork for her. I did as much as I was able, but the hospital I delivered Hunter at in MN will only send my medical files to the Fertility clinic directly. I sent J the number to call and gave her the instructions from the hospital and cc'd Michelle. No reply. So then I CALLED J and gave her the same info again. She then emailed MICHELLE and asked HER to get the paperwork to send her. Michelle kindly reminded her that in my instructions I stated that the files could only be sent to a medical facility. SAI is NOT a medical facility. It's been over a week now, and neither Michelle or I have heard from J at all!! Michelle called my hospital in MN and they said no one has called them to ask for my paperwork!!!

Here is why I am fuming.... Not only is J wasting my time and prolonging this whole situation because she is lazy and doesnt want to do work, she is delaying poor Intended Father and Intended Mother who have waited YEARS to become parents because of health issues and now when it's in their grasp and in their sights SHE IS MAKING THEM WAIT BECAUSE SHE IS LAZY!!! Its paperwork!!! Its in her hands and she is taking her sweet time!! She has no sense of urgency and I am getting really really frustrated. I get that my appointment for transfer needs to be 9 months after Emma is born, I get that... but there is more that she can do in the meantime that she is NOT doing. And she is NOT communicating! Sorry... I just feel very angry that this J person is causing even more delay for IF and IM.. They are such beautiful people. I hope J gets her act together ASAP or I will talk to them about working with another woman in the clinic. Someone who sees just how important this work is.

Whew.. ok.. I feel a little more calm.

**Intended Father (IF) Intended Mother (IM)

Paperwork paperwork paperwork...

So much of this surrogacy process is paperwork. I spent much of Friday and Saturday printing off all the paperwork I needed to fill out for my psychiatric screening, and the medical history questions for the IVF clinic. Then I needed to have all of the paperwork from Hunter's delivery and pre-natal apts and Emma's prenatal and delivery apts sent to the clinic. I dont mind paperwork, sometimes I think filling out paperwork is theraputic in that I really let what I'm doing settle in my mind. I have time to think of the seriousness of what I am embarking on as I sign my name to the bottom of each sheet of paper.

Paperwork is the EASY part..if I can't handle paperwork, then the rest of this journey would be too difficult for me.

Saturday morning I had my skype meeting with the SAI agency's psychiatrist for my evaluation. How amazing is it that I could sit for a session with the Dr over a computer?! Technology is truly incredible. She met with both Jason and myself and we discussed our history, how we met, why we want to be surrogates, our strengths, what we admire in each other. That kind of thing. I really enjoyed listening to Jason's responses bc I personally find it difficult to inspire him to open up like that. Hearing the details of why he loves me or what he admires about me really warmed my heart. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW the man loves me.. but hearing the details of why was nice. After our interview, i took a little online test that was 300 questions long and evaluated the complexities of my personality. HA! Good luck test... I hope they sent the answers to Jason. HAHA I'm joking. The test was pretty accurate I thought. She read it's findings to me. Pretty neat!

I received an email from the IVF clinic that said I need to wait until Emma is 9 months old before beginning my fertility shots for the Embryo transfer. So that means my screening apt and blood work wont be until the end of September and I probably wont be officially pregnant until maybe November. I keep reminding myself to breathe. IF and IM have not pressured me to move things faster in any way, but I am the one wishing things would be moving faster! I want to be pregnant next week so I can give them their baby sooner! But I know that certain steps need to happen, and especially must be done for MY health. I'm just impatient. :) Always have been... always will be.

Next step is meeting with my attorney to sign contracts, and then wait until Sept for screenings. :)

In other news, my house smells amazing. I love my diffuser from IF and IM, and it came with perfume that I am obsessed with. Oh and I am making new friends via instagram who are also surrogate mommies!! I love technology sometimes.


** (IF) Intended Father (IM) Intended Mother
For Privacy Reasons names will remain private.