Ok so... I am officially in contract with IF and have started my Lupron with Dr. Smotrich. Most IVF Dr's use Lupron in their regimen to suppress the ovaries from ovulating since the embryo will be implanted by the physician and as a surrogate we don't want our eggs in the uterus.
Lupron is a medication injected directly into the stomach. I decided to make a little how-to video of how I inject my Lupron.
**All Dr's will have their own instructions and recommended dosages for medications. Please always consult with your physician when preparing your own injections. This video is informational only.**
I know it's been a while since my last surrogacy post. Here's the quick update..
I am now officially matched with someone I have known for 4 years! He is the godfather to my first surrogate baby! When I was pregnant with Alaya, he would come out with my IPs and visit. He's been to my home and even played with my children already. I remember back then he thought about surrogacy as an option for him to become a parent, I just never dreamed it might be me some day! He asked for me specifically since we already have trust built, and I said yes immediately.
I got the call when I was in Minnesota in June. "Corinne it's Anne from SAI, and I have someone who's requested you specifically..You actually already know him, it's [name redacted.]"
I was so excited I'm pretty sure my "YES!!" echoed through the Mall of America, since thats where we were...just outside Tim Hortons. (Mmmmmm.) So from here on out, my new IP will be referred to as baby daddy "IF" or "Intended Father." He's fantastic, and sweet, and funny, and loves animals and people fiercely. I am so excited to help him become a father. It will be totally different with this journey as there is no mother figure involved again. It will just be IF, and possibly his mother.
This week I have two very important doctor appointments. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the perinatologist to be medically cleared since the twins I had last time were early. Then on Thursday I fly to San Diego for the day to be cleared at the IVF clinic. Once those appointments give me the all clear we can begin contracts, then medications. YAY!!!
I am also happy to share the my previous IM (who lost the baby) and I will be meeting up soon to go out for wine together! We miss each other as we became dear friends through our last journey together.
Everything is exciting and gearing up for another miracle baby.
I have been asked before, both in person and in interview about how I navigate surrogacy and my traditional culture as an Oglala Lakota woman. I am Khanawake Mohawk and Oglala Lakota but I will be speaking today on sacred femininity and surrogacy as a straight Cis-gender Lakota woman. We also believe in the two spirit community, which I have carried a baby for two gay men as well, but today I will be speaking on the subject of surrogacy and infertility.
In Lakota tradition, men are the protectors, and women are the sacred life givers. Now some of you may bristle at the notion of hearing men called Protectors because you tie the idea of a protector to the colonial root idea of a protector being defensive because of ownership. In Lakota culture, the Men are protectors because our women are sacred, not because they are owned by anyone. We as women have been chosen by Creator to usher in souls from the spirit world. This is a task that has only been entrusted to women. Our physical bodies become literal portals where Creator plants the soul and we nourish that tiny body and soul into existence. Paula Hornem, wife of Chief Arvol Looking Horse once told me that the soul resides in the belly. Life begins in the belly, and so our souls reside there. That is why when we are nervous, or excited or feel sadness, that feeling starts in our bellies. Our bellies are the beginnings of many things, traditionally the time a woman begins her moon or her period is a time celebrate! It is an ushering in of responsibility that is both holy and unmatched. Women are cleansed every month in ceremony through the ritual bleeding of her menstruation, where as our men need sweat ceremonies to cleanse. So yes.. our men are protectors to our women, because they honor us and the very sacred job we have.
But how does this traditional view apply to being a surrogate?
When I felt called to be a surrogate, I was very much aware of the fact that this would be a spiritual calling for me. From the very beginning I knew that my Creator was deeply rooted in the draw I felt to help couples. I want to address another notion I feel is sensitive in this discussion, infertility. Hearing that the ability to carry a child or create life is "sacred" might be hurtful to women who learn that they cannot carry a child, or create life within their wombs, but to this I would like to raise an idea... I believe that women who CANNOT carry life within their wombs are just as much givers of life as their sisters who give physical birth..and here's why. When I act as a physical surrogate for a women who cannot carry a child, I am surrendering my physical body to her. SHE IS USHERING IN THE SPIRIT. Let me repeat that.... SHE is ushering in the spirit of her child. The gate way that spirit child walks was still made by her. It was made in her prayers. In her belly and heart. It was made in the physical DNA that she placed in my womb. In many ways I view her work as twice as hard as mine. Her spiritual exhaustion is fully encompassing. She is working to bring that soul earth-side with every nervous pace, and phone call. Every prayer and tear. That is her labor. That is her life giving. I am just the physical womb that I have given to her for the task. How sacred, how beautiful is that bond to think of all the women on this earth as sisters and life givers. This also applies to adoption! In most (not all) tribes in the US, adoption to children outside the tribe is fully embraced, and those children are considered members of that tribe! You mothers who have adopted are givers of life in this same way. You are sacred and you have labored into your motherhood.
So yes, I am W'akú Wičoní. Gives life. Surrogacy is the physical and sacred act of ushering life into this world through love and sacrifice. It is using my sacred ability for good. It is new in comparison to life giving throughout history, but Creator is the leader in finding new ways to do ancient and amazing things.
Last week, my Intended Parents decided that the hurt from yet another loss was too great for them to attempt another try at surrogacy. They called me, and I walked outside to me van (to get some privacy from my loud kids) and I let them speak. I was meant to listen, and to let them work through some tough emotions.
I cannot imagine what it feels like to come so close to a happy ending, only to lose it again. I guess I have sort of an understanding, but really, their pain in this started years before I came into the picture. I may have suffered the physical aspects of the loss, but they were dealt another blow that was in addition to all the other losses and dashed hopes that brought them to me in the first place.
I told my IPs that I was here for them as long as they needed. My IM and I grew close, so we both promised to go out for a glass of wine together sometime, and that they fully supported me in being matched again with someone else. Part of me fears that seeing me pregnant for someone else will add to their pain as well, so I am letting the decision to reach out be theirs. I don't want them to hurt anymore.
As a healer, someone who's soul thrives on bringing life to others, this decision left me with very 3 dimensional emotions. I felt guilty that I couldnt bring them their happy ending, but also connected with creator in knowing that not all healing is meant to come through answered prayer. Perhaps it is His will that their healing comes from finding hope in each other, and that I cannot be a part of that story.
At the BAAITS powwow of San Francisco, I jingle dress danced with their names in my medicine bag. I wrote it with a shaky hand and folded the piece of paper up and tucked it close to my heart as the drums began beating in the open halls of Fort Mason. I danced in the circle, and closed my eyes, sending up their names and thanking Creator for letting me be a part of their life's journey.
Now I await Creator to send me to another loving couple, so that I can be the warm and loving space for their baby to grow. Again I am in the excitement, looking forward to that number on my phone I know to be my friend Ann, calling me with a couple she knows I can help. The best feeling in the world. W'aku wiconi...Gives others life. I am ready Creator.
On the morning of December 14th, I woke up to use the restroom and discovered I was bleeding. "Oh crap.." I said to myself as my daughter twirled around the bathroom since she followed me there as she always does. "Whats wrong mommy?" she asked. "Oh its nothing..just a little bleeding but this always happens to me. Its ok." But I wasn't convinced everything was ok.
I texted my IPs, and finished getting my kids ready and headed to work. I emailed my nurses and waited patiently for a call. At around 10:30am after still having not heard from the office, I called and put in an emergency request for the Dr to call me. About 15 mins later I got a call from the nurses saying to stop Aspirin and Lovenox and I asked if I could be seen for an ultrasound. They were able to fit me in at 11:30am. I jumped in my car and headed to the appointment. At the ultrasound we could see Thumper's heartbeat, (the nickname we came up for him at his first heartbeat confirmation ultrasound.) He was flickering away and the Dr said his growth looked good. The only problem we could see was that his heartbeat was a little lower than normal. It was beating at 83BPM instead of the 120 it was a week ago. This was concerning but all we could do was wait. I still had an ultrasound appointment on the following Tuesday so we would check back in a few days. I went back to work and finished the workday.
When I got home, things continued to get worse. I passed a liver-sized blood clot and almost passed out I was so shocked. I called for Jason and we decided I needed to go to the ER. Jason called my mom and she came into my bedroom while I got ready. "Sweetie, are you ok?" and I started to sob. "No I'm not ok..this feels like a miscarriage. I've had bleeding mom, but this...this is different. This feels like before." "Before" being my first miscarriage I had in 2009 with the baby I was pregnant with before I had Hunter. We drove to the ER.. I was now bleeding so much it was soaking a pad every 30 mins-1hour. I couldn't even sit down for the Triage. They called me back and ordered blood work and an ultrasound. My IPs were on their way from SF, and wanted to be with me. They were very clear to me that they were there for my health. They were there to be supportive of me no matter what the outcome would be. I was called back to the ultrasound and it was an uncomfortable, and silent 20 minutes. My IM sat by my feet, watching the screen, looking for a flicker, movement, anything. Every now and then I would look over hopefully at her and she would shrug as if to say "I can't see anything.. it doesn't look good." We all sat in the waiting room, waiting to be walked back to my new room, in silence. No one felt very hopeful at that point. My IPs were hugging, my mom sat next to me, our heads touching, as we just felt empty.
The Dr came into my exam room, she was pregnant (sigh....), and she told us all that they did not find a heartbeat. I felt like the room went fuzzy, it felt like in the movies, when you can barely hear or remember anything else they say. I just remember nodding, and then everyone leaving so she could examine me for hemorrhaging. "Why did you become a surrogate?" she gently asked me as she pulled her gloves on and rolled closely next to me. I answered my short answer, about how women like my IM try for years, and how if I am capable of helping, then I should. But then the tears started to flow.. "...but I guess not this time. It's just another let down for her." My Dr rolled even clower and she looked me in the eyes. "Hey..No...now you listen to me. YOU have done something amazing for her. You gave her hope. Sometimes even when we have the best of everything and the healthiest embryo..sometimes things just don't work out, but you have done something selfless and incredible, and I am just in awe of that." Then she squeezed my arm gently. When she left, my IPs came back into the room, and I started crying saying "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry.." and they both hugged me from either side, our arms wrapped around each other. IM was apologizing to me, and aI was apologizing to her. We laughed at how sorry we both were to each other, and hugged again. I told them they should go home, since it was 1am and I knew they were exhausted and sad. There was nothing to do now but wait for my body to begin the natural process of expelling Thumper's remains.
Jason stayed home with me on Friday, and brought Hunter to school. I had Jason bring my secret Santa gifts, and the gifts for my team at work. I was very sore, and very tired, and very sad. But the bleeding had stopped. I was worried that my body was going to try to hold on to this pregnancy the way it did in 2009 when they had to give me medication to get things moving. On Saturday, Jason and the kids and I all went to the Dickens Fair. We laughed and ate cinnamon almonds, Emma and I even danced the waltz! I had such a fun time, it was a nice break from the pain of everything, and I also hoped that all the walking would get things moving again.. I was right. At 5pm on our way home, the pain of labor began. It was quick and a milder replica of actual labor. I couldn't sit still, I had to move. I tried laying in bed, but I was cold, and clammy and dizzy. I decided to start the shower to help with the back labor pains. I turned on my "Relax" playlist, filled with calming piano tunes, and crouched down in the shower while the hot water hit my lower back. I took long deep breaths, and worked through the pain. Jason would come in and periodically check on me. I could tell the pain was changing and I breathed more slowly before I delivered Thumper's lifeless tiny body into my hands. I sat in shock. Holding him. I started to weep, apologizing and sitting there, unsure of what to do with him. Where to put him. I called for Jason. Jason crouched down with me and held me.. "Where do I put him? I have to put him somewhere.." Jason went to get a plastic bag, and we wrapped him in the bag and covered the bag nicely with tissue paper. Jason brought him gently to my bed while I finished showering and dried off. When I went to turn off my music, I noticed the song that played while I delivered him was titled "Life and Death." Ironic. After discussing with my IPs what their wishes were, and talking to Jason about what we should do, we decided to bury Thumper's tiny remains. We laid him down, I covered his body in offerings of tobacco and sage, and we covered the earth over him. The next day I cut flowers, and made a bouquet and placed a single white feather and tied it all with a red ribbon on top of his grave.
This whole experience was traumatic and difficult, but it strengthened in me the desire to continue to help couples have a child. Whatever my IPs decide to do moving forward is up to them, and I am fully supportive of whatever decision they make. I am here, and ready to help if they call upon me, and if not, I am ready to help the next couple God sends to me. No matter what, I am at the ready to do Creator's will.
On November 10th 2017 ( The Marine Corps Birthday as my husband told everyone..) we had our embryo transfer! I got there at 11:30am, and started all the paperwork. It was relatively simple and fast. We verified that we would be implanting only one embryo, and got to see the photo of the little boy. His embryo was already "hatching" as they call it, which is the stage before the amniotic sack is formed. It was so cool to see that!! You could even see the small cluster of cells that would eventually form into the baby. Science is freaking amazing, bottom line.
I dressed in my gowns and hair net, wore my super fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm, and sat in a small room with a nice warm heater. It was all about keeping me warm and relaxed. I walked into the procedure room and IM and IF were already seated and gowned, ready to be with me while their baby was placed in my womb. IM chatted with me pleasantly about life as we waited for the Dr to place the catheter, and then for the embryologist to bring in their little boy. He was place into my womb like "A poppy seed in a jar of peanut butter." as my nurse put it. We all laughed at that.
After the procedure was done, no pain or discomfort for me at all, I used the bathroom and lay down for 30 minutes with a tube that had warm air pumping right into my bed. Kept me very warm and relaxed. I had a cup of tea and we all chatted about our families and life. My IPs are so amazing. IM had a moment where she wanted me to know that whatever the outcome of this transfer, she was beyond grateful to me and to my family. IM had the pain of going through 17 failed transfers, I definitely understood her worry and also her deep gratitude, but I was so hopeful for them.
After the 30 minutes they walked me down to Jason's truck that waited for me outside. They gave me a gift bag filled with goodies including tea and a rose plant! They even gave my mom a bag of chocolates since I would be spending my 24 hour bedrest at her house. Much quieter and relaxing there than at my own home. Haha!
I am now 8 days past my transfer and have had positive pregnancy tests since 6 days!!!! YAY!!! Tomorrow is my first blood beta where they know my exact number for HCG count. I can't wait to report high numbers!
Today my new IPs met us at a local park. I had a matinee showing of my play at 2:30, so we made our park play date for 10:30am. This was the first time we would see each other in person. The first time we met was over FaceTime on our phones. I could see IF and their son walking on the dirt path ahead of us as Jason and the kids and I walked over from the parking lot. They had baseball caps on, and were watching the drones flying around an obstacle course someone set up on the large field at the park. I could see IM, and she must have sensed us coming because she turned, her blond hair whipping slightly in the breeze, and waved joyfully at us. I waved back. Hunter was on Jason's shoulders and Emma held onto my hand and to a stick she gathered along our way.
As soon as we saw each other we embraced. I introduced Hunter to their son, and soon the kids were off running on the playground. My IPs brought us a bag of fresh pastries from their local bakery, and fruit from their farmers market. It was so sweet of them, and the croissants were crispy and flakey on the outside and light and fluffy as clouds on the inside.
We talked about life, halloween plans, kindergarten, 1st grade, how Jason and I met, family on all our sides in Minnesota, city living, and all kinds of stuff. We talked about the IVF process, and hospitals. It was so fantastic because there was not even 1 uncomfortable moment. No time where I thought to myself "what on earth do I say next?" Finally at about 12:20 I said we needed to go so I could prepare for my call time at the theater of 1pm. We hugged and said our goodbyes at our cars, and look forward to seeing each other again many times. Its a beautiful beginning to another incredible surrogacy.
